Tuesday, July 28, 2015

And then there were three...

...or four really, counting Maple. This Thursday it will be six weeks - six weeks since our lives completely turned inside out, six weeks of messy, raw, the good, the bad, and the ugly, six weeks of a joy that has pierced us both to our souls, six weeks of so many sleepless nights! But, yes, six weeks, since Ava Kathleen arrived and made Mike and I parents.   I have been absent on this blog for quite some time. Pregnancy made me feel more exposed than I ever wanted to be and now that I have become a mother, I am quickly learning that the exposure I felt with all the raw emotions and hormones and physicality of a huge belly ain't got nothing on motherhood. I am learning that to be a mother is to feel vulnerable all the time. There is a joy and a worry so powerful and so all-consuming, that in any given moment I'm not entirely sure which one I am experiencing. But I know that I love it - motherhood. For all the feelings and vulnerability that comes with it, also comes a fierce courage and sharpening of the instincts. Despite the fog of sleeplessness and exhaustion, there is a clarity that has also been born. Priorities align very quickly and time becomes more present than ever. When I hold that little being of light and she wraps her tiny fingers around my thumb, everything becomes very clear - this is everything I have ever wanted and everything I have ever wanted to give someone else. 

This doesn't mean I will give up on my other dreams or goals. They still are important to me and for as fulfilled as I am right now, I know that I would do my daughter a disservice to lose myself into becoming her mother only and forgetting the woman I had to become to bring me to this point. But, right now, when I hold her against my chest, our breaths in sync, her fingers around one of mine, her eyes trying to see who this woman singing to her is, everything else falls away. The restlessness stills. Becoming a mother has not been pain-free and not without sorrow carried over from the past. But, the love is so all-consuming, it really does push everything else out, at least for right now. These past six weeks have been demanding, painful, and tough AND they have been the absolute best six weeks of my life. 

More to write later, perhaps her birth story which taught me some of the greatest lessons in letting go. But for now, lullabies and nose kisses await...








2 comments:

Carmen said...

tony! that made me teary-eyed. you really are lucky - all three of you - to have each other

Erika Kuhn said...

Congratulations!!!!!