Wednesday, May 8, 2013

10 Etiquette Rules ("No-Nos") for Riding the Subway


Can you tell what kind of morning I'm having? Here we go, New York....

1. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT FLOSS ON THE SUBWAY.  As if the smell of wet bodies, a humid car, and coffee breath weren't enough for this rainy morning commute, dodging flecks of your breakfast is two steps away from inspiring a Stand By Me complete and total barf-o-rama.

2. Do not clip your nails. Seriously? When did the subway car become your bathroom trash can?

3. On Eating... Eating in moving confined spaces is never okay. Nothing makes the stench of a stale subway ride worse than your egg salad sandwich.

4. The volume of your voice and your cell phone. They can't hear you not because you are not being loud enough but because there is NO SERVICE in the belly of underground New York City. And on that note, I care not to hear your shitty cell phone speakers blast the Harlem Shake at 7:45 a.m.

5. Applying make-up. And yes, I have done this before and felt how totally obnoxious it is. Even though we like to think powder stays only in the spot it's brushed upon, it turns out those specks of glitter have a pretty far reach and no, I am not calm as you wield that mascara wand dangerously close to my white pants. We are both one harsh subway stop away from a stain with no return or in your case, blindness.

6. Fighting with your boyfriend. No one wants to hear about how his farting in bed makes you feel disrespected.

7. Making Out. Especially in a busy car. My elbow takes precedence over your hickey-in-process, any day.

8. Putting your bag next to you on the seat. Duh. You can also take that eyeroll with you when I ask you if I can please sit down in your gym bag's place.

9. When a pregnant woman or the elderly or a nurse enters the car, give up your seat. It is just the decent thing to do. What is happening to manners?

10. Wearing your backpack on a crowded train. Take it off and make room for another straphanger. We all have somewhere we need to be.

I love you, New York.

3 comments:

daleboca said...

you crack me up
the noise of them nail clippers inspires me to be violent
in my next life i will be a huge (black) man and make all of the people in the subway do the right thing with just a glance.

Lindsey said...

I'm right there with you.

SteveB said...

How many ways can I say "Ew!?!?" -- makes me happy for my little solo electric car commute every day. :)

I will say that when we were on the Metro in Paris and people seemed overcome with passion for one another, we said "Awww... that's Paris" -- I wonder why it seemed more okay there. Maybe because we were visiting.