Thursday, April 25, 2013
Here I Am
friend just asked me "how is your writing going?" and added that she missed me on the blogs. Indeed, I have taken a large hiatus and just yesterday I was thinking, there is nothing in me that wants to go back to blogging. But I realize this is what happens in the spring. Spring is my favorite season! And spring in New York is one of my favorite things ever! I just want to be outside and away from the lonely computer clicking away. I want to be smelling flowers and sneaking in as many walks outside as I can during the work day. But this spring, something else happened. Instead of visiting LA, or checking out the Outer Banks, or finding mental clarity in Colorado, I decided to stay right where I was for a week off in Brooklyn...and I revisited this little memoir I've been writing for two years. In all fairness, I have not worked on it since last summer because I found it impossible to write about the dissolution of my parents' divorce while planning my wedding. And the memoir isn't so much about that, as it is about the year 2010, when a sudden family tragedy challenged the narrative I had been telling myself my whole life and my family history began to rewrite itself. But to answer my friend's question, the writing has been going!...just not on the blog. Blogging and writing are different beasts. And that's not to say that blogging isn't writing. It's just different writing. I love blogging because it's compact and digestible. It's funny and informal and can be inspiring, too. But I can't get away with my blogging voice in the memoir. I have to really sink into the feelings. I have to go back over the sentences and look for moments when I'm rushing through a scene because I'm afraid to remember, I'm afraid to visit my feelings. But, I've been taking this Zen Buddhism class (yep) and we read this essay on emotions and how emotions are energies that pass through us. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. The moment we attach ourselves to an emotion and we identify with it - "I'm just sad..." I'm so pissed!" "I'm scared...." the emotion cannot pass through or we use them to keep away other feelings. Anger is most often caused by hurt. Take it or leave it, but just being present to these feelings and recognizing them as energies that will come and go, has helped me sit a little bit longer with my writing. After I have sufficiently avoided feeling anything after too many hours zoning out on the internet, I will finally admit what I am doing and open that terrifying word document. Sometimes I will just need to sit and stare for a little bit. Sometimes I will type a word and I will feel that energy (that sometimes is happiness, too!) and I try to let them pass...and then continue writing...one word at a time.