|Prospect Park, Brooklyn, NY|
As a kid growing up in a household fueled by rage, fear, and chaos, I learned quickly how to pretend that I was unaffected by these emotions. I pierced my tongue and laced up combat boots which was the equivalent of telling the world to stay the hell away and it worked for quite some time. Ten years ago, I probably would have said it was easier for me to feel hate (and not towards a group but towards individuals) because for years the only feeling I felt deeply connected to was anger. I was quick to blow a fuse, quick to judge and quick to be irritated. But on the flip side, I believe at my core, there is a sensitive bird that loves too easily which is part of why the fear and the hatred and the anger come on so quick.
It is not pleasant to have your heart broken. We learn cruel often misunderstood lessons from the people who harm us. But to have your heart broken by one of your parents, repeatedly, does not only leave a lesson or a fingerprint, but a person half raw who will do anything to cover that part up.
It's an interesting time in my life right now. There are moments when I get frustrated with what I see as my lack of progress, my floundering self. But if I really take a beat, I find gratitude and discovery where there was once only pain. I find peace and love and quiet in a life that has been loud and angry for so long. I am finding the soft spot in the middle, the me that loves too easily and forgives that human trespass of a personal history that tells me to do otherwise.
In truth, it has always been easier for me to love instead of hate, but that doesn't mean a damn thing if you never learn to forgive and let go. If I'm constantly building up my arsenal of grievances towards the people I feel have wronged me, eventually the bunker gets too big to get out of and who wants to eat spam alone for the rest of their life?