I had lots of crushes over the years, not all of which I remember. The only ones I remember were the obsessive ones that took over my entire life. I never memorized anyone's class schedule so I could walk past someone like some girls I knew. But I filled volumes of journals with love notes, and poems and dreams and fantasies and doodled everywhere I could think of without ever revealing my secret to the person. My crushes in junior high and high school were powerful beasts. One of these boys was really my first love in that childhood sweetheart kind of way, where you talk on the phone all night and get butterflies in your stomach when you see them on the playground but are terrified to make out. That was a crush that never really went away and just aged with me as we grew up and each went our own ways. We dated a few times when we were older, a little bit as freshman and we shared some special moments at the end of high school and right after, but the most precious moments of that relationship were the hours long phone calls in 7th grade.
The other big crush I had in high school was completely all consuming. I was not an expert at flirting, but I did my fair share and somehow must have convinced him to ask me to the homecoming dance in 10th grade. It was one of the most nerve-racking moments of my life that ended with a kiss on the dance floor during a painfully awkward slow dance. For months after I was still so infatuated with this guy until he unknowingly broke my heart and dated another friend and then made out with my best friend not long after that. I suppose I kind of deserved it, considering he was the best friend of the first crush. In hinds sight that was Karma in action. But, once I had my heart broken by him, the infatuation lifted and unlike the first crush, I never felt romantic feelings towards him ever again.
But of all the crushes I've had in my life, none has been bigger than the man I ended up marrying. When I spotted him from across a barn when I was 19 years old, I felt completely struck. There was an immediate pull towards him and he is the only guy I've ever been so forwarded with. I actually walked straight up to him and started a conversation and we both learned that we had the same birthday. We ended up dating months later and fell in love just weeks before I left for six months in Ireland. Needless to say, it didn't work out that time around. But when the timing was right, that crush was still there and six years later we found ourselves back together. Twelve years after we met, we were married.