|(Finally got to try out my Space filter!)|
I know, I know. It's terrible. I've been flirting with you for quite some time now. I'm sure you are tired of the back and forth as much as I am. On one day I commit and turn things over to you and say okay, Universe or God, or whatever Mysterious Force you want to call yourself out there in the world - YOU WIN. I give up. You want my problems? You got em. Want my worries, my anxieties, my neurosis? Here you go. You think you can do better than me? It's all yours. And even though we both know I will go on to tell you about how I know better and I've been doing this for a LONG time and I know myself and my life and my luck and "if past experiences and patterns dictate future," I already KNOW how things will not work out for me. I can't just do nothing! I just have to work harder...etc, etc,etc...and then on other days I find myself cheating on you with my old habits and OCD control-freak self and trying to sneakily manage another problem, another finance conundrum, or nurse an old anxiety that I just can't say no to. And then you come along and say, "Okay, you want some proof? You want some mother-fucking proof that I got this? That I got you?" And then you drop in a couple different opportunities at once and I am forced to acknowledge that for as LONG as I have been trying to direct my life, you have been doing it FAR longer than me and with everyone, not just me. Do I still have a hard time letting go? Yes. Do I still have to make believe in you to do that? Yes...although I must say you are getting pretty convincing. But damn it, Universe, today I gotta thank you. I'm not sure what to do with the doors you open or how it will all work out, but thank you for letting a little more fresh air into my life.
A Compulsive Disbeliever