Tuesday, January 22, 2013

In The Words of Lauryn Hill...

"Change...it comes eventually." I took this picture last spring but when flipping through my photographs it spoke to me again. Perhaps it is an indication of my blooming wish for spring to arrive and the blah days of winter to pass. I'm not even sure what you would call this past winter in New York. Last Monday I was in a tiny sweater because wearing my wool coat was literally baking me in a disgusting muggy oven of humidity and confusion. And today, though below freezing as the high, is nowhere near the Januarys of winters past. I can remember my first winter back when living in New Jersey in 2009. The weather forecast read -5 and I dressed myself like Randy in A Christmas Story. This winter has been eerily mild with sudden bursts of bitter cold. No real snow, only a dusting that makes the whole city look like a smudge on the subway window when the F train shoots above ground from 7th Avenue to Carroll Street in Brooklyn.

Last weekend a friend had said to me that during the winter it's important to hibernate. That's when our bodies literally retreat inside and we have a slower more contemplative time. She explained that our bodies need this in order to have the energy required when spring comes bursting forth. Of all the seasons. spring in New York is my favorite. Every year it's as if a curtain is lifted and all the kids coming running out to the playground.

This winter has been a contemplative one minus my annual spell of depression. It has not been without some good long crys or explosive bursts of frustration. But considering the hugeness of 2012, I find myself happy to be hibernating or "nesting," as they say. While I have always been a very messy person, (clean but messy), I have kind of gotten my act together and I truly enjoy spending time in my apartment. There are still piles of papers and wedding wrap up stuff to be dealt with, but on most days our apartment is in order which feels refreshing. I LOVE waking up and walking through my apartment and seeing the blanket on the couch folded and the little table in the kitchen clear of clutter. This little achievement has not been perfect and on many days there is still shit on the table, but one of the things hibernating  has afforded me is the time to take pride in my home and clear out the crap that eventually gets in the way of living. I'm starting to feel okay about parting with possessions I have held on to for far too long excited about making room for what lies ahead. But more importantly, I'm excited to let go of the things I used to think "defined me" and begin to ask myself, "What am I without this thing?" "What am I without this story?" It's terrifying and exciting to believe that I've only just begun getting to know myself and at any stage in my life I hold the ability to surprise myself. I think this spring is going to be a good one. 

1 comment:

Carmen said...

i love these last two sentences