Thursday, December 27, 2012

Grey Skies in the Morn'...

...California girls be warned. So it finally hit, the blues. This morning as I caught myself talking to myself, a made-up chewing out of one colleague or the next, I finally noticed the grey palette of dreariness painting the skyline, the streets, the buildings. I went to college in New York and I have now lived here for almost five years and still the cold knocks me on my ass every time. It's like I still haven't found how to dress warmly enough. But the truth is, I will never know, because nothing makes me more nauseous than being over-dressed in the subway, sweating profusely as I try to unwrap my wool scarf and unzip my down jacket so I don't throw up on the person next to me. I would rather be cold outside that hot and nauseous on the subway. Therein lies the rub.

But beyond the weather, those old familiar bouts of fear have been creeping up and last night they got the best of me. I keep fighting the good fight. I blog and I read. But something keeps me from sitting down in a chair at night and writing the good stuff and any writer knows what I'm talking about - the toe-curling, knuckle biting, tough stuff that you don't want to write about. It was only weeks ago that I wrote about  Resistance: The Enemy Within. And last night, it won as I found myself throwing one hell of a pity party. I have learned this one thing, everything sounds more dramatic when you throw in your age if you are over the age of 30. Does this mean it is more dramatic? No. It just really gives it that "No Hope" punch.

But, alas, it's a new day, albeit a shitty one and my hands are raw from the cold, my lips chapped. I am back at work, in front of a computer, still trying to fight the good fight. Someone once told me you can start your day over at any time. Here we go, 10:30 in the morning. It's just you and me.

2 comments:

daleboca said...

All you have to do is say "fruit cake" and it starts over. That is what M does. She then of course gets pissed that she cannot actually erase what came before. But "fruitcaking" it can be quite satisfying.

Carmen said...

yes! i was going to share m's technique too! so true!
also, being over thirty just makes the story more interesting - because it means you've had time to do and see and experience a lot of cool/fucked up/inspiring/incredible life shit
congrats :)