Tuesday, December 4, 2012

A Letter To The Other Porcelain God

Dear Kitchen Stove,

In the words of the prolific funk artists of the band WAR...Why Can't We Be Friends? I try. I really try. But you still use that heat of yours to spoil even the best of Sunday afternoons. You've burned me.  You've scared me.  And even hurt my feelings when I found out you run at about 50 degrees lower than what you say you are cooking at. I'm not calling you a liar or nothing...I'm just saying. I use a skillet which retains heat allowing you to chill out a little quicker. I put water in my pyrex dishes so I don't overcook the squash. I grease and I oil and I sweat and I come back for more and STILL - no love.

Exhibit A:
This was supposed to be a delightful crispy batch of sea-salt kale chips.
However, where some of the leaves were barely cooked,
others were charred almost to dust. I literally felt like I put ashes in my mouth.

Exhibit B

And this right here.................................................                        
This is my dinner in the garbage because it was damn near inedible. That squash that took an hour to cook, remember that? Well, it was finally soft alright. I could spear my fork straight through, but somewhere in the cooking not only this baby's firmness was lost, but it's overall taste seemed to magically evaporate with that careful amount of water I put in the pyrex baking dish. The parsnips and onions sautee - nice one. And the beets that never quite cooked all the way through and then tasted like dirt?!! I had to have a slice of pecan pie just to remedy my taste buds from that one. Now, I know this isn't your fault. It's supposed to be mine. But at a certain point, the outcome of these dishes relies on you. I follow that damn food bible, The Joy of Cooking, and you know what, I call bullshit!. There is no joy, no love, and now no patience for spending anymore time with you, Stove. Thanks for crushing my foodie spirit. 

BUT...I will not give up! I will continue to buy strange grains that I will inevitably under or over cook and I will continue to sautee every vegetable in the one flavor I know works - garlic, and I will try my best to have dinner plates with more than tone color on it. But cut me some slack, here and there, Stove. Take Out/Delivery is just a phone call away!


Erin said...

don't give up! you can do it! ;)

on the kale chips... did you thoroughly dry the leaves and make sure that no leaves overlapped or were crinkled up on the pan? those were two things i found mattered a lot.
if the leaves are wet at all, they steam instead of roast which makes them brown and a bit soggy instead of crispy and tasty. they need to be dry- really dry.
if the leaves overlap at all or are crinkled up instead of laying out flat, they don't cook evenly and won't be crispy or only part will be crispy.

the first time i made them, they tasted crappy and were floppy and gross. after reading some more recipes/blogs, i realized i made both of these mistakes. second time was a charm!

daleboca said...

hey you cannot be good at everything. thank your lucky stars is a talented cook so you will not starve!