Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Under Pressure

Overly metaphorically dramatic photo
Last night I dreamt that we had slept through the rehearsal dinner but I didn't realize it until the wedding and I was so disappointed because I couldn't even get to sleep during that nap and I was so sad that I didn't get to spend time with my family. In the dream, I'm in my wedding dress at the right venue, but almost  no on showed up because everyone had trouble finding parking. Even a bridesmaid and groomsmen had not made it to the ceremony. And then after the ceremony we moved to the back and the tables were not set up. The linens weren't down, the flowers had not arrived and I remember looking at the clock and understanding that it was 8:00 and the wedding was over. I wandered through the empty venue as fold up tables were messily arranged with nothing on them and realized everything had gone wrong and I couldn't even find Mike. Needless to say...I tossed and turned pretty much all night long, awoke every hour and was wide awake with anxiety from 3:45 - 6:45 this morning. If this is what these next three weeks looks like, I'm out.

The good news is, I awoke realizing just how much fear I am treading through right now. When I got to work I finally felt easier about letting go of some responsibilities that are no longer mine because I physically and emotionally cannot continue with my plate this full. This is normal. Everyone keeps telling me. And then I wonder, but does it have to be so cliche?  I didn't want to post this picture, because it implies a storm coming. Not implies, it just plain is a storm just before the sky breaks. But I thought it was a great image of "pressure" and heavy are those clouds in my mind. I keep telling myself, this is just part of it and I even had a stranger tell me over the weekend, "If your a conscious bride, there are WAY more feelings than just being happy."  Thank you, stranger? Maybe it's misplaced excitement, like how I stayed up on Christmas Eve far too late because I just couldn't sleep knowing all of this excitement would await me in the morning. But I don't remember being scared of Christmas morning.

Enjoy the beauty and drama, I say. Enjoy...

1 comment:

Carmen said...

Ah! Anxiety dreams are the worst!!
No matter who shows up, and what things are not done/perfect, it will be a great night. I guarantee you fake mustaches