Friday, October 19, 2012

Me, The Be Good Tanyas, and 289 Miles

A week ago, I pulled a stop, drop, and roll and for all intents and purposes, I felt very much like I was on fire and not the good James Brown kind of being on fire, but the bad Scott Glenn kind a la Backdraft. My anxiety over the wedding and getting married and coordinating a million details felt as if it was swallowing me whole and I could not get happy about this approaching life change. As I sit here now, I'm laughing at just how emotional I was because I always forget this one simple truth about myself: I hate change. Change is messy and change is scary and change is beautiful. But man, it puts me through the ringer.

In the middle of my freak out, I was invited to a friend's house up in Cape Cod for the weekend and not just any friend, or any little house in Cape Cod, but a friend who has an amazingly strong spirit and sense of faith and this wonderful home happened to be in Truro, minutes away from one of the most magical places on the planet for me: Provincetown, Massachusetts.

I asked for the afternoon off and headed out for a six hour drive. I put in The Be Good Tanyas, and rolled the windows down. Nothing cleanses quite like a road trip and nothing purges quite like a sing-along. A couple hours in and a hundred plus miles away from New York City, I felt the reigns of my anxiety start to loosen. The solitude of the car combined with the drive through a New England Autumn created an opening for me to see a bigger picture. By the time I arrived at the home, it was dark. I was greeted by a group of women, most of whom I'd never met before, and a hot meal followed by a crackling fire. There were talks about fears and faith and weddings and families and creativity and struggle. But the most important part was that it was the kind of weekend that demanded I be present. It was the kind of weekend that demanded I chip in as part of a group but also share some of my talent. It was the kind of weekend that allowed for love and healing and letting all those messy fears just spill out of us or be shook out of us with a good dancing session to Chaka Khan and Janet Jackson. It was the kind of weekend that let my mind go quiet and amazingly, what I wanted to say for my wedding vows came right to the forefront of my mind.

Standing on the beach of Herring Cove, while watching a gorgeous sunset, I saw a seal pop his head out of the water. As I stared at the seal, soon a number of seals popped their heads out of the water looking at us standing on the sand. I felt that same feeling of magic tickle my soul as I took a big deep breath of chilly sea air. By the end of the weekend, the anxiety had gone and the joy and excitement of getting married was finally allowed in. Sometimes I need to step away to step inside. Sometimes I need to stop and watch a sunset. There are seals waiting to look at me.


daleboca said...

beautiful as always
cannot wait to hear them vows!

Erin said...

glad you had a good weekend!