Thursday, October 4, 2012
In The Words of Plato...
"...time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain, therefore, awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters."
Whenever I feel that tightness, that sense of urgency roiling in my chest, is when I should stop. It is a sign that I'm gripping the reigns instead of easing up and what horse do you know that could move forward while being pulled back? I am a horse bucking, reigns taught, bridle tight with a permanent spur digging into my side telling me to go faster. With the wedding around the corner, I am everywhere and nowhere. I am playing hurry up and wait. I have things to do that can't get done. People that want to help with no jobs yet to give. Feelings run rampant with an enthusiasm from others that I can't match. Bursts of elated joy followed by bursts of sheer panic. I want to remember this time and all of its beauty and drama cause I know it will pass quickly and because I know it will one day be important to understand it in another role. Or maybe it will still be something impossible to understand for another as in the Kenneth Koch poem how One Train May Hide Another.
I want to remember that it was all really fast and exciting and surreal as well as remember how complicated and confusing and messy it all was. I want to remember the witch doctor telling me I had unprocessed grief and that brides sometimes misunderstand the jitters. I want to remember that it is also a time of grief, a rite of passage perhaps, or at the very least a milestone life marker. That it isn't just about creating a "No-Play List" or deciding between beef skewers and pigs in a blanket. It isn't just about dress fittings and wedding bands and the color of the bridesmaid dresses. It's about unearthing the past to make room for the future. It's about leaving some unchecked baggage behind along with the suitcase packed full of "what ifs" and "I should have." It is also about opening a dresser for new photo albums and jokes only he will ever know and learning odd things about each other that when you think about it, make you kind of proud that you know. The first line of defense against his crankiness is food. He doesn't mix liquids with dinner. He still thinks to pour you a glass of whatever he's drinking just in case you might be thirsty. Don't misplace the Neosporin.
I want to remember that I was not a great bride-to-be and in many ways I was a very laid back bride-to-be. I want to remember that I wish I could have done some things differently, but the pain that came with taking this step surprised me just as much as you. I'll be honest, I had some idea there would be other feelings other than joy, but no idea how many and how deep and scary and how sneaky. But, oh the lessons learned.
I want to remember that there is something else out there greater than me. That I don't have to do it alone even though that's what I prefer because it's what feels right. That if I allow some room for mystery, I might just be pleasantly surprised. I learned that people don't change, but if I pray for good things for them, I will. And I learned that taking the words "you should" out of my vocabulary lets me live a little bit freer and love a lot more bravely. But, I learned most importantly not to say it to him.
I want to remember that even though we fought a lot during this process, we strengthened our resolve about marriage. We deepened our relationship. We kissed and made up every time. And I want to remember that even though we still don't know any of the answers, we keep asking questions. And is there anything more you can do than that?
I want to remember that look you give me when I was just your girlfriend and I want to see if it changes. I want to remember. I want to remember...