Thursday, September 27, 2012
Knock, Knock...Stress is here.
After a summer filled with nightmares, now I can't sleep at all because holy shit, I'M GETTING MARRIED! Yeah, it's like all of the sudden the list of shit to do came and I can't sleep without thinking that I'm wasting perfectly good DIY time. The good news, I am channeling this new anxiety into creative energy that is coming out in placeholders and homemade embossed thank you cards. (Very nice, if I say so myself!) And being creative actually helps the anxiety. I really do enjoy some of the stuff I have to do. But, wow, the list feels long.
In my mind the list looks like what I thought Santa's list of naughty and nice kids might look like - One long scroll that once unwound rolls outside the workshop. Only this list does not read: "Bobby Johnson, Naughty, Coal....Janey Lou, Nice, Soccer Ball." This list reads more like, "How the fuck do you get a marriage license?!" or "Flower buckets! Do we need flower buckets?!" Everyone, keeps telling me not to stress out. And I wish that it was that easy. When I feel that hungry beast knocking at the door, I try not to let it it in, but somehow it sneaks into my mind. I literally don't feel sleepy. My mind and my hands keep moving. Two nights ago I finally forced myself to go to bed when it was clear that while I would like to jump into action, I actually am getting ahead of myself despite the overwhelming feeling of being behind. And in truth, I don't think I'm behind. It's just the nature of the beast. There are things I have to remind myself that I can't force. Things like RSVPs. At a certain point if a person does not respond, that is a response. But when do I accept that? While I am pumped and actually excited to make place cards, I have to know final numbers. And so I stopped myself. I could feel the crazy coming and I paused. I made myself food. I wrote a blog post. I broke the isolation I was starting to withdraw to and went outside. But I digress...
If I really strip away at my nerves, I think I am starting to fantasize about the day and thinking about walking down an "aisle" makes me a little nauseous. I actually feel very private about the ceremony and it's a little daunting to think about how many people will be watching us. I don't think I've ever kissed a guy in front of my Dad or anyone in my family for that matter. To me, I do care about the ceremony and I do take the commitment seriously and it feels like something so intimate should be private. Both Mike and I are not fans of being in the spotlight. And at a moment when we will both be so vulnerable, it makes my stomach turn to think of it being so public. But isn't that what it's all about? Declaring your love to the village? Making promises with a room full of witnesses? In the meantime, I will continue to not think about that moment and instead dirty my fingers with embossing powder and paper cuts and gel pens, because hey, we got a wedding in a few weeks!