Wednesday, August 1, 2012

10 Things That May or May Not Come to Lucky Ladies in Their 30s


1. Skin Biopsies...that's right. You can thank your teenage self for all of those unprotected "tanning" hours in the sun with little more than baby oil or SPF 8. What's that, Irish Skin? I can't hear you because you're drowning in Aloe after a decade plus of bad sunburns. Call me stupid, call me thickheaded, call me a glutton for punishment, but don't ever call me fair-skinned.

 2. Antibiotics for Acne...what's that you say? This is supposed to be a list for women in their 30s? Yup, that's right. Women from age 25 into their 30s can experience a second kind of puberty with the on-set of female acne. That's right - Acne and early signs of crow's feet. Double winner!

 3. Bouts of Compare and Despair...When that biological clock starts tick-tick-ticking away, you can be sure to find yourself suddenly wanting one of those snotty-crying sirens as you find yourself alone at several baby shower tables as young moms chase after their little ones smashing fists full of cupcakes into the carpet. But hey look at the bright side, being a late bloomer has its advantages - you are mortgage and daycare-worry free!

4. Finding Yourself At The Crossroads of Your Unintended "Career"... It turns out when you don't commit to any one thing, you become a jack of all trades and a master of none. Be prepared to have a meltdown triggered by impending deadlines in days without enough hours only to learn you are not upset about some stupid deadline but rather your accidental/underwhelming career that happened while you were busy trying on lots and lots of different hats. But again, don't fret. We are each on a deceiving timeline, one not determined by us. Sure, we can do the footwork, but life is not a straight line. Your days are not guarantees and the quicker you learn this the better off you will be to enjoy your mysterious, uncertain and ever-evolving gift that awaits you.

5. An Appreciation For Music You Used To Make Fun Of...that's right. You got old. Turns out Stevie Wonder and The Allman Brothers were always cool. The good news: finally you are, too.

6. Stretch Marks in Places You Didn't Realize Stretched...Moms, you know what I'm talking about. Ladies who struggle with weight fluctuation, you feel me. There ain't enough cocoa butter in the world. The good news: You can stop pretending to "prefer" frozen yogurt.

7. Tattoo Regret ...Got a Tramp Stamp? Flirty Ankle Tattoo? How about a scar from a belly button piercing? Welcome to the Teens of the 90s Club. It amazes me how I can have a panic attack in a dermatologist's office over a tiny little numbing shot for Number 1, when at 18 years old I shoved a needle through my tongue and wore a metal rod in it that clicked against my sensitive teeth for the next four years. It was tough being cool in the 90s. That was some medieval shit, yo.

8. Dancing With Reckless Abandon...Right along with Number 5, you actually no longer give a fuck how you look on the dance floor. In fact, you find yourself wearing shoes that actually allow you to move instead of keeping your feet at a plunging 160 degree angle.

9. Liking Nice Guys...Gone are the days when a drunk with an attitude, a bad haircut, and tribal band tattoo gave you butterflies. Hello, potential soccer dad. Welcome, awesome chef and please to meet you, guy with a little gut-double chin-and wonderful sense of humor.

10. A Little More Confidence...That's right, for as much as I tease, I can say there is a shift graduating from the self-absorbed, untethered twenties into the self-absorbed, untethered thirties. At least here, you can dance to Stevie Wonder, eat real ice cream again, enjoy cute babies and sometimes hand them back to their parents, laugh about that wild streak you had when you got that Godsmack butterfly tattoo on spring break in Florida, appreciate SPF and apply it liberally, actually get antibiotics for acne instead of suffering through it, reinvent yourself with a better resume this time around, and find the romance you were always meant to experience.

Cheers to the Thirty Somethings!

5 comments:

Candice said...

This is by far the best thing I've read! I'm 6 months shy of turning 30 and every day it's slowly dawning on me that I'm about to be in a whole new decade of my life. But I am anticipating it and can confidently say that the last couple years of my 20s have been the best ever; definitely excited to see what 30 brings and to do some awesome dancing and ice cream eating! :)

Lindsey said...

Thanks, Candice! Welcome to the 30s! They are awesome!

SteveB said...

Being pale, I've had too many things liquid nitrogen'd off myself in the last decade -- and every time I do, I think of being down the shore and burning to a crisp. Who said I was smart?

However, I always was a nice guy -- and in my 20s I always seemed to be more favored by my date's parents than my dates. I will say that suddenly being smart, successful and not-a-douche seemed to be "in". :)

Carmen said...

I loved that part about guys. So clever/funny/true

Lindsey said...

SteveB- Nice guys never finish last they just start late!