Wednesday, July 18, 2012

On Being "Good Enough"

So, I have this love affair with self-sabotage. Or, at least that's what I have always called it. I freeze up when an opportunity presents itself and then wait until the last minute before acting, squeezing myself into this tiny space I call "a whopping disadvantage" where there is no way I can present my best because I have already sabotaged the time it takes to really prepare for your best.

I have done it again, people. I have known about the BlogHer Conference happening in New York City in two weeks for months! I have waffled between definitely going to losing complete steam for not just this blog, but my movie blog, too. And then when I had a sudden stroke of inspiration this morning, it was sufficiently drowned by a wave of anxiety of what I would have to do to get ready for this conference: new business cards, back on twitter, a tagline, a better though out vision for this blog as well as the seeds for a new blog I will launch next summer (more on that later). I immediately became overwhelmed with disappointment in myself for doing it once again. Why do I always cut myself so damn short?

Almost ten years ago I graduated from one of the most elite writing programs in the country with the Senior Achievement Award from my Department. I had a film company tell me to rewrite the ending of my feature-length screenplay/thesis and resubmit it to them because it was "better than half the stuff they option" (as was said to me). I never rewrote that screenplay. Just like I have not registered for this conference. I feel like I have been sitting on the sidelines of my life even though I know that is not reality. In turns out that it's not as simple as that and that I can't just "work harder" at changing that or fixing it especially when so much of it is unconscious when it is happening. Some of the kindest words were spoken to me today when in the middle of my shaking voice and my  admitted self-sabotage realization once again, a friend said, "You are enough and my guess is you are more than enough." She told me that I was amazing and that all I had to do was show up. She told me to go to Staples, buy some cards and just show up. Could it all really be so simple? "Its you that is amazing, not the card," she said.

The concept of being "good enough" has always eluded me the same way the phrase "don't be so hard on yourself" has. Whenever my Dad would say that to me I would get so angry because I didn't understand. What do you mean don't be so hard on myself?! If anything, I'm not being hard enough. It is possible to be both an overachiever and be underwhelmed by what you have done with your "potential." It is possible to present yourself as one tough bitch while unknowingly struggling with self-esteem. It turns out there is a lot more to success than "working hard" just as there is a lot more to understand about the nature of fear when we talk about failure.

I still have not registered for the conference, but I did email a friend of a friend who is a graphic designer to inquire about new business cards and for today that is good enough.

1 comment:

Carmen said...

yes! you are much much more than enough!!! you are FIERCE