Wednesday, June 27, 2012

This Little Blog Of Mine

I want to let it shine...but I got nothing right now. There was a time when the words were just flowing. The scheduled posts a plentiful. Maybe it's the onset of summer, the amount of work on my plate, the excitement over the wedding, but I just have not felt that inspired lately. And certainly if I look around, there is plenty to write about: the conviction of Sandusky, the loss of a brilliant writer (Nora Ephron), the difficulty in finding bridal shoes in size 10.5 (WTF?), should I get off wheat (duh), me, me, me....but I guess part of the blogging distance is really needing to be offline. Something switched for me and while blogging online was never THAT comfortable, recently I just don't want to be. Maybe it's a manifestation of practicing boundaries in real life. Maybe it's just lack of inspiration or laziness. Maybe I miss being private. Maybe I think no one wants to read about my foray into spiritual questioning. If it was me from six months ago reading, I sure wouldn't. Maybe it's an expansion on the rule "if you have nothing nice to say (or anything interesting or useful to contribute) think about that instead of writing a blog post." I do not have any rants to spew or insights to share. I am just being me right now, trying to show up each day with a willingness to be open and accepting of what's in store. While writing can help me focus on myself, it can also help me lie to myself not that that is ever the intent. But, I can build stories around myself and my life that distract me from what is truth. I am someone who compulsively reacts which can make anything a drama. The more I focus being in the now...sitting here, at my desk, writing, scratching my face, pausing...the more I can resist the compulsion to focus on things outside of me, outside of my power. And while sometimes blogging keeps me in the present, the minute I hit "publish" it no longer is. And maybe I'm just tired of holding onto records of moments when all I want to be is here now.    

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