Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Sometimes I forget that I am hard-wired. I forget that my first instincts are to fight. The feeling of a closed fist so much more soothing than an open palm. I forget that it is not enough to try and quit bad behavior or I will come to find my instincts run rampant. It is not enough to say to the world, "now I am this." You must first wade through the shit, unearth the demons, take a good look at all of that hard-wiring and instead of trying to rip it all out, begin to appreciate its intricacies. Instead of cursing crossed wires, love that these wires have provided you with the energy to get you this far.
It is easy to throw your fists up in New York. It is easy to have a bad experience on the subway and say, "damn it all to hell." It is easier to close your heart after suffering a heart ache than to keep it open to the world - a scrape without a band aid. It is easier to let the people who harm us become our teachers rather than to process a lesson, a loss, a humiliation, and still keep an open mind. It is easier to break the mirror when we see something we don't like than to look inside and heal from within. It's not the acne scab that needs to be healed. It is the belief that I must force this blemish off my face when really it may be telling me to eat better, sleep longer, pay attention to whether or not I'm stressed. It is not the smaller size dress that I need to fit into, but the question I need to address that asks why I am not taking better care of my body? Why am I not paying more attention to my diet? Why am I eating foods that are not good for me? It is not the alarm clock that should be cursed for waking me up in time for a trip to the gym I will not take, but an understanding that if you go to sleep at midnight, you will sacrifice an early morning workout. The pursuit of balance. The eradication of the internal negative voice. The welcoming of space for trust and faith that there is something larger at work here. I am not the master of my universe though my instincts make me believe so. At the very best I'm a burning star among many hoping to allow myself to shine as brightly as I can through this life. When I think I am steering the ship, I must remember the winds. I am not unique and I hope to always remember this.