Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Gnarly

It's been awhile since I've written something other than blog posts. And I've had fun on this little blog of mine. But last night I started to miss this book I was working on for about a year and a half. I couldn't even remember where I left off. So I opened my last chapter and within a few sentences I remembered why I stopped. Because I'm happy. I don't necessarily subscribe to the whole idea of the depressed writer... but sometimes the proof can be in the pudding. A lot of my other writing, my more emotional writing, the stuff I only share with five women in a writing group that has been meeting for over two years, was also me working shit out. It was me processing extraordinary grief. The problem is, I'm kind of proud of that writing and I'd like to do something with it. I'd like to finish that book, but right now it just seems a little abusive to throw myself back into the emotional turmoil and twists and turns of heart wrenching grief. Perhaps, the writing will get even better now that there is some space, now that there is some peace, but do I really want to find out?

I have never been able to really describe the feeling that comes when I know there is something in me that needs to get written. Almost like the winds changing direction, the turn of a season, an internal shift in mood, a more sensory experience that leads me through the day. Before the words reveal themselves there is something that tells me Pay Attention. There is something alarming about this feeling, but also something gravitational. Something that makes me feel firmly cemented to the earth and yet disconnected longing to connect. Maybe it's because I'm reading really good writing right now. Maybe it's more inspiration than anything. The pure pleasure I get from reading a string of well crafted words strung together in a mouth-watering sentence. How my heart leaps when I read a line that moves me to move.

Maybe I'm just getting ready before jumping back into a work in progress that I know cuts me right to the core. Or maybe I'm just feeling a little gnarly.

2 comments:

Carmen said...

again! you say you can't describe something, and then you do it so beautifully! (2nd paragraph) very nice!

Lindsey said...

You make me blush!