Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Turning a Corner

I knew I was fighting something. Saturday night, I even said to Mike, I think I'm getting sick. You know when you get that kind of chill that no amount of sweater, heater, or blanket will warm? I got that at a wedding I went to after my awesome engagement party. We even left before cake because I was "tired," which should have clued me in: I never pass on dessert. But we went back to my brother's, stayed up late trying to pack and figure out how to bring home a couple gifts only to realize we were too deliriously tired to make any smart decisions. So we went to sleep around midnight but were woken up a couple hours later when my brother got home from work. Then you know those nights/mornings when you are absolutely positive you will sleep through your alarm so your body doesn't let you go back to sleep? Yeah, so, I basically went to sleep at midnight and woke up at 2:45a.m. and that was the start of my day. A rough plane ride did not help but again I powered through and even went to meet my tutoring student. I woke up Monday with a little sore throat, but I refused to give in! Not to mention I had stupidly checked my work email the night before and learned I was expected to train a temp first thing Monday morning. I even went to the dentist Monday morning after training the temp and then back to work! I came home and took a twenty minute nap before another commitment. When I woke up, my throat was on fire. I knew this wasn't good but continued on, ending my day about 8:45p.m. No surprise that Tuesday morning I could not lift my head off the pillow. Around 8:00 a.m. I left messages for work, but then I slept until 1:15p.m.! And truth be told I could have slept longer but I forced myself to take a hot shower. The rest of the day was filled with naps and what I'm pretty sure now was a fever breaking while I talked with my upstairs neighbor.  I was determined to go back to work this morning, but when the alarm went off, I slept through it (Ha! Retribution for my 2:45 a.m. wake up call) and eventually did wake up and knew that although I felt a little better, a 30 minute subway ride would render me useless by the time I got to work. So I did something I never do - I called in sick for the second day in a row. I don't know why it is so hard for me to just listen to myself and take better care, but I think part of it is because I think I am invincible and the other part of it is that I'm concerned with what people at work may think. Like they are all secretly sitting around saying, "Yeah right. She just wanted to squeeze out two more vacation days." Which is crazy talk because I'm pretty tight with my work friends and my boss has never put any pressure like this on me. It all comes from inside me. In my world, I am judge, jury, executioner and the accused. As much as I think I don't care what people think, I am also consumed with wanting to please and do right and hold up all of my commitments and responsibilities all the time. I have a bit of the perfectionism bug. But these last couple of days have really kicked my ass and humbled me greatly. They have also let me rest and be alone which is also something I haven't done in quite awhile. They have forced me to take care of myself. To stop and listen and notice the cherry blossoms and tulips and daffodils and paper whites blooming on the street outside of my window.

2 comments:

daleboca said...

hope you are feeling better!

Lindsey said...

Thanks! Still a little light headed but soooooo much better.