Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Having Cookies for Breakfast: The Moments We Realize We've Been Screaming for Air While Standing in the Wind


Sometimes I catch myself, walking around in my own life, and I think Oh, this is my street. This is my neighborhood. It happens at the gym, too. I work out in what was once an Armory making it a huge open indoor space in the middle of Brooklyn with an indoor track and nice big rooms with old, hardwood floors that sometimes not a soul is occupying. Just me and my knees, the ones I move my fingers past to touch my toes: These are my legs. Sometimes I move through the day with these bursts of revelations, This is my life! The same kind of revelations that remind me I'm an adult. If I want a cookie for breakfast, I can have one.

I forget sometimes that I orchestrated this life here in Brooklyn. That I wished for it and got it while I was busy thinking of more wishes. Sometimes I get clouded by the things right in front of me, like screaming for air while standing in the wind. It's easy to lose your grasp in this world, when life is so damn messy. And even if you have a firm hold on the railing, that doesn't mean the floor beneath you won't turn to ice.

We can't unlearn the lessons received as children, the same way we can't put back all the feathers into a busted pillow. We can only try to work on not making those lessons our creed, not making the people who harm us become our teachers, not defining our defenses as convictions, our survival skills as attributes. We can only rewind and revise so much.

There is only one direction life moves: forward and the great hope is that we can recognize those moments of growth, those moments of gratitude, those moments where we look around and realize we are the main character in this story, do I want to keep going straight or make a left turn here?

Do I want to repeat the patterns inherited from family? Do I want to continue to carry this ancestral karma, the karma we are all born with like the familiar color of our eyes, the size of our feet, the sound of our laugh? Do I want to be the main character in my own story or the stage director telling everyone else where they should be standing and what their line is? Do I want cookies for breakfast?

Today I'm grateful for those moments that come like awakenings. I am grateful to be a woman on the rise, walking along that purple skyline between the sunset and the heavens, waking up just in time to see the stars.

7 comments:

Maria said...

I think you are a woman on the rise. I hope I am too. Remembering it, letting it sink down into my core is the hardest part and something I work on everyday. But oh those moments of awakening!

Lindsey said...

Thanks for sharing, Maria!

Sarah O'Holla said...

I love the way you wrote this Tony! I think I've had these thoughts too but haven't articulated them so beautifully. I especially loved the line "Just me and my knees, the ones I move my fingers past to touch my toes: these are my legs."

Thanks for sharing and happy Thanksgiving!

Lindsey said...

Thanks for reading! Happy Thanksgiving!

Mike said...

The stars are always out. Just, sometimes we have a harder time seeing them. Good post!

S. Stauss said...

I just love your writing. You really captured something with this one. Thank you, always a pleasure to read.

Carmen said...

reading this made me smile