Sunday, November 27, 2011

Defenses Down: The idea of surrendering before the chicken noodle soup comes

Whenever I have some time off work, often times I find that these are the moments when my body lets her defenses down and I wake up one beautiful day off with golf balls in my throat and a nose that refuses to stop running. Just what you wanted to read about, right? Another blogger giving you the play by play of her life- now I'm happy, now I'm sad, now I'm sick. Well, I am sick and I was trying hard not to write which to me means I just got to let it all out the same way I got to let all this snot out. Just let it run, baby. Are my defenses down because I'm overworked? Probably. Am I getting sick because I put too much on my plate all the time? Most likely. Is it kind of sick that I don't mind being sick that much because it forces me to slow down? Totally sick. Isn't that the whole premise of becoming a grown up? To learn how to take care of yourself? I mean physically, I know what to do, right? Exercise enough, eat well as much as you can, and have chicken noodle soup when you're sick. But it has always been a struggle for me to take care of the other two parts. You know the mind and soul stuff. Like not saying yes to every plan, not taking every script or book assignment that comes my way, not signing up for a writing group and a writing workshop and submitting to another workshop and submitting to a short play festival. Like maybe I can just chill and be okay with two of those? Maybe I can stop making plans after work. Just because the wrk day ends at 4:30 may not mean I am free. I never give myself the time to unwind. I underestimate the importance of coming home and making a meal for myself, the importance of turning on music while I chop onions or wearing slippers around the house or watching a comedy curled up on the couch with Mike. There is this panic somewhere that if I let anything go, I will feel I am not trying hard enough. Because I won't be, right? If I know I can operate with this much on my plate how can I cut the plate in half and still feel like I am truly doing my best? But am I truly doing my best? How can I be doing my best, giving my all to so many different pieces? Eventually, something gets less time, less energy, less devotion.

I have been struggling with the idea of "surrender." I sort of do believe that when I surrender my will, then my life will become open to the mysteries that lay in store for me. And just when I think I have surrendered, I catch myself trying to control an outcome, assume a reaction, control the direction of my life.  If only I could stop taking myself so damn seriously, maybe I would stop getting colds on days when all I want to do is put the Christmas tree up.

But, alas, the Christmas tree will go up. Writing will happen. And chicken noodle soup will be had. But for today, I surrender in what order or if any of those things happen. Today, I surrender to my comedy bed, some good music, and a few words on my blog.

4 comments:

daleboca said...

feel better. breathe. sleep. try to relax. look who is talking:)

Steph said...

Found your blog through NaBloPoMo. Just wanted to stop by and than kyou for being who you are and sharing that. Booger nose, sore throat and all. Surrender comes when you can't take "it" any more (controlling it or it's outcome as well).
Wanted to let you know that I've given your blog the Liebster Award. You can view it here:
http://educational-anarchy.blogspot.com/2011/11/showing-some-love.html
Hope that you feel better!

Carmen said...

yes!
feel better!
and keep surrendering, reflecting, writing and sharing

Lindsey said...

Steph, I am so incredibly touched! Thank you so much! I look forward to reading more of your blog and passing on the award!