Saturday, September 24, 2011

Insomnia

Belly ache has me up and sweating. Perhaps, sausage and peppers was not a good choice for dinner at 8:30 pm after having red wine to toast a very good work friend moving to London. Perhaps my rule to not mix wine with anything should apply to mixing it with meals you can order at a carnival. Normally I would toss and turn until falling back asleep but I have too much on my mind. Most notably, where I am as an adult. I am not sad to say "I'm 30." If anything it feels like I have finally arrived. My friend, Monica, just turned 40 and said that to me. That she finally feels she has arrived. I like that idea. I do suddenly feel this little twinge of power. Like I don't need to take certain shit,  because "I'm 30, damn it." These years were earned. Even though I can get my feelings hurt like I am twelve all over again, I can honestly say I know what is best for me right now and believe it. And for the first time I am actually asking myself what I want. What would I like to do with my time in Los Angeles rather than how am I going to see everybody which inevitably leads to me just saying yes to everything and everyone. And if I need a morning where Mike and I get up early and spend it at the beach by ourselves, I don't need to feel guilty about that because I'm 30, and that is what I would like to do. Maybe there are certain markers, natural stepping stones that come with age that entitle us to be the adult we have been trying so hard to define. If I don't want to do something, I finally feel like I really don't have to. What I do want is coming into sharper focus. Still not completely clear, but there is finally some light. If only I could get rid of this disgusting habit to eat like a teenage boy, I may really pull it all together. Note to self: at 30, maybe it is time to pass on meals cooked in a cast iron pan coated in bacon grease. Another note to self, it may be time to really stop eating wheat and dairy. They never make you feel good. 4:25 a.m. now. Think I may try to get a little more sleep now that I have made my "I'm 30, damn it" sweeping declarations.

2 comments:

daleboca said...

Wow, so glad (but sorry) to see you up with me in the middle of the freakin' night. Do you think two screaming babies going ape shit might help? I can bring those over and you can bring the sausage:)

Carmen said...

ha! just read daleboca's blog and now yours. sorry that i wasnt up with you ladies so early...

t, i love that monica used the word arrive! i have been feeling similarly about my new decade status. i feel more entitled to say no and make choices for myself. hope your tummy feels better.