Tuesday, September 27, 2011

In Need of a 90s NO FEAR shirt

[Now called www.xryderz.com/]

Photo from last.fm/music/Pearl+Jam
Remember those? They were the hot jam. I really wish I had one of those to wear around right now. I'm telling you, that Pearl Jam doc really did move me. There is one scene where Eddie Vedder leaps from scaffolding fifty feet in the air. Cameron Crowe shows the leaps in a repetitive montage each one outdoing the last. While there is something to be said for the adrenaline rush and buzz of a crowd of people singing their hearts out to the songs you wrote, watching the images of Vedder's body take that leap and then fall into the hands of people below was beautiful. Stupid, yes. But besides the lack of fear, there is an exhibition of complete trust. Whether it is trust in the universe or trust in love, I'm not sure. But there was something in it that I wanted to grasp. I have been feeling very melancholy since that documentary because it got me to think of my own fears and the fears that keep me feeling trapped. When the truth is, we are only as trapped as we allow ourselves to be. The tricky part is becoming aware of what those fears are. In a group of people yesterday, this woman began to speak and an older woman interrupted her, complained she couldn't hear her, could she come into the circle a little more? The other woman, without hesitation answered, "What I can do is speak louder." She said it confidently, directly, unafraid to make a decision for herself even if it might make the other woman uncomfortable or even the group uncomfortable. I realized if it were me, I would have quickly appeased the woman by moving in closer despite how rude it was for her to interrupt me. Then later I would have been angry and wouldn't know why. It is not enough to know what you don't want. No one really wants to be interrupted. You have to know what you do want and what I want is to be able to state exactly what I need, exactly what I can and cannot give, and without hesitation, even when I am put on the spot. I have been noticing acts of courage lately while conveniently forgetting to acknowledge my own acts of courage my entire life. But sometimes you need to feel like shit to get perspective. After feeling kind of wimpy lately because I am in a working situation I am not pleased with, I was grateful to witness two consecutive acts of courage so closely together. After witnessing Vedder take 50 foot leaps and this young woman tell an older woman that she cannot compromise what she needs for her needs, I continue to feel inspired and happy to know that the quest to live life without fear is very much in my conscious which is perhaps why I am even noticing them at all.  But a NO FEAR shirt wouldn't hurt.
Photo from starpulse.com

3 comments:

Carmen said...

curious to know who the younger and older women were you referred to. i have some guesses :)

YES! when i think about you i dont imagine a fearful woman, but a courageous one!

what kind of woman drives across country with another chick directing her own movie? what kind of woman lives abroad in a country where she knows no one before she gets there? what kind of woman moves across the country to be with the love of her life? what kind of woman claims to be an event organizer and pulls it off better than a pro? (that one is my favorite)

Lindsey said...

Ha! Carmen, thanks for the reminders! I had another dose of reminders today from Laurie. She was like, "I think Eddie Vedder would be pretty damn impressed by you!" It is easy for me to forget the many moments where I have been fearless. And I have to admit I'm pretty damn proud when I get a reminder : )

zach brandau and julie matranga said...

Your no fear shirt would have to be hyper color, so it could dare to compare to your amazing prowess!