Monday, June 6, 2011

but i digress

my nightmares have continued and spiraled further and further into the dark realm. In my latest I was being held in a prison on water, had been raped, and everyone who tried to reach me or help me couldn't or wouldn't. i'll spare you the details. it did end with me screaming for someone to tell my Dad where I was and that he needed to get me. Like only he would go to the ends of the earth to save me. Which I know is not true (if you are reading this, Mike), but also was a weird feeling both comforting and isolating to have in the middle of a nightmare.
I have been keeping myself busy. So busy I can't remember the last time I wrote or watched a movie. My day starts at 5:45 and ends just short of midnight. Every minute is packed. There is no leisure time except when I sabotage myself, blow everything off and go out for unplanned drinks that throw everything out of whack. So at night, the fear creeps in, the fear that I spend every minute running from and there it keeps me hostage in a floating prison or with a guillotine-wielding old lady or seconds before being arrested for being witness to a murder. In each dream, I am alone either physically or with a secret or a paralyzing fear.
My nerves are shot, amplified by a growing caffeine addiction. On Sunday I successfully ruined two bright white shirts, one which was brand new. I dropped a mascara brush down one and I spilled a large cup of hot coffee on the other. Today, I dripped oil on a dress. I am part careless, and part frayed. I almost spilled a cappucino on myself today. Maybe I should cut back on the caffeine, but I don't know how I would function. I hate work right now and keep saying yes to more coverage all the while counting down the days till I have some time off as if I will give myself time to relax when the truth is, the free time and space scares me more than this schedule. ah....but i digress.

if i write it down that tonight I will have a good dream or even better- no dream, will I?

I'll keep you posted.


Carmen said...

sorry about the dreams :(

daleboca said...

bad dreams suck
i keep dreaming that babies are crying and that i am alone and need to feed them :)

daleboca said...

any sweet dreams?