Friday, April 15, 2011

Elmer's Woman

What I thought was an intense allergy attack caused by cherry blossoms and pear trees in full bloom turned into a minor cold I could will away with tylenol turned into a full blown sinus infection complete with intense sinus pressure behind my right eye that causes me to lose focus and makes it so I can't look away too quickly or look at a light, swollen glands, (can i just ask to get my tonsils removed or does a doctor have to suggest this?) and blood in my colorful snot. I feel like I have a head full of glue. On top of that, my sunburn (or second-degree burn some may call it) has just begun to peel and it feels just like the dried glue i would peel off my hands in art class. On a positive note, my acne has been going away which I think is suggesting that after six years, I am hopefully finally done with the "second puberty" the dermatologist once explained. I have lost nine pounds since New Years, and have gained two in the last two weeks. But I am still "lower" than I have been in a long time. A picture in my friend's apartment in Colorado reminded me of this. In it I am twenty pounds heavier than I am now. But the extra weight I am battling right now is a stubborn, cement-like weight. It is the kind of weight my body doesn't feel safe without. It is the difference between being a big girl, the kind you know you can't fuck with and a thin girl, the kind that looks like she is more easily subdued or overtaken. The weight I have now doesn't want to go anywhere and I think somewhere it is because mentally I don't know how to be thin. I know how to be curvy, athletic, even chubby. As a kid I was skinny and in a year went to curvy. I think having a little extra weight keeps me comfortable because as soon as people start to compliment me or notice I have lost weight, I begin to put it back on. I let go of my diet. At a certain point, I am discouraged by the numbers dropping. In New Orleans I was "hit on" by a couple guys for the first time in a long time and I noticed how uncomfortable it made me feel. At one point, even a tiny surge of fear, even though the comments were harmless. I'd like to get rid of all this glue- the glue in my head, the glue in my heart, the glue on my skin, and the glue on my ass. So for today, I will take a decongestant and a nap, drink orange juice, reapply lotion and not eat chocolate even though I convince myself it is for the antioxidants and I will post this blog.

1 comment:

Carmen said...

here's to saying bye to un-needed/wanted glue