Wednesday, April 27, 2011

On A Wednesday Morning

Today has not been a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed morning
toady is the kind of morning that takes three trys to get out of bed
you opt for the treadmill instead of the run outside
you skip over your usual running mix and decide on Public Enemy's Can't Truss It
You grab the short dress 'cause today feels like that kind of a day
You ignore the urge to pull it down every three seconds and try to embrace the thought
that although not perfect,
your legs don't look that bad either
you get to work and refuse to have that cup of terrible free coffee
but you will have one fourth of a bagel and you will put cream cheese on it.
You will get ready for the rest of the week
receive an email from your credit card bank
try to understand how your finances are once again out of whack
you look for apartments within your budget and start to face some harsh realities.
Quickly you feel yourself becoming discouraged, a familiar spiral of disappointment
in none other than yourself for not saving enough money, for not having a plan of how it will all work out, but today is different, because you reach out
"Can I buy you a slice of pizza?" he asks.
A slice and half of a chocolate chip cookie later, you feel yourself lift out of the hole as you take in the cherry blossom trees and blooming tulips before you.
"Don't worry. We'll figure it out," he says
and the day starts to feel a little different.

Monday, April 18, 2011

manners

it always amazes me how some people feel totally comfortable taking/using items off my desk without asking or even saying hello. from some of the regulars, i expect this behavior but from an elective teacher i have never met, it was considerably impressive. even my friends at work ask if they can borrow a pen or use my desk to fill out a form. if i were in a shitty mood, i may have been annoyed by this, but because i am finally feeling a little bit better, i can admire what can only be true oblivion or a lack of manners.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

fun with expectorant

i am a mucus monster
coughing so hard, my head hurts
but there is a little satisfaction is coughing it up even though it totally grosses me out
mike has the immune system of a superhero
sometimes i call him "unbreakable" from that m. night shyamalan  movie.
his throat hurt a little on Thursday and he was more snotty on Friday but now he is fine and i am on my deathbed with a full blown respiratory infection, cold, and a rash to boot.
what
the
fuck
?

Friday, April 15, 2011

tyrone for tara

I heard this on pandora the other day and it reminded me of how Tara used to tease me with singing me this song during our first year of college. Tara, this is for you:

Elmer's Woman

What I thought was an intense allergy attack caused by cherry blossoms and pear trees in full bloom turned into a minor cold I could will away with tylenol turned into a full blown sinus infection complete with intense sinus pressure behind my right eye that causes me to lose focus and makes it so I can't look away too quickly or look at a light, swollen glands, (can i just ask to get my tonsils removed or does a doctor have to suggest this?) and blood in my colorful snot. I feel like I have a head full of glue. On top of that, my sunburn (or second-degree burn some may call it) has just begun to peel and it feels just like the dried glue i would peel off my hands in art class. On a positive note, my acne has been going away which I think is suggesting that after six years, I am hopefully finally done with the "second puberty" the dermatologist once explained. I have lost nine pounds since New Years, and have gained two in the last two weeks. But I am still "lower" than I have been in a long time. A picture in my friend's apartment in Colorado reminded me of this. In it I am twenty pounds heavier than I am now. But the extra weight I am battling right now is a stubborn, cement-like weight. It is the kind of weight my body doesn't feel safe without. It is the difference between being a big girl, the kind you know you can't fuck with and a thin girl, the kind that looks like she is more easily subdued or overtaken. The weight I have now doesn't want to go anywhere and I think somewhere it is because mentally I don't know how to be thin. I know how to be curvy, athletic, even chubby. As a kid I was skinny and in a year went to curvy. I think having a little extra weight keeps me comfortable because as soon as people start to compliment me or notice I have lost weight, I begin to put it back on. I let go of my diet. At a certain point, I am discouraged by the numbers dropping. In New Orleans I was "hit on" by a couple guys for the first time in a long time and I noticed how uncomfortable it made me feel. At one point, even a tiny surge of fear, even though the comments were harmless. I'd like to get rid of all this glue- the glue in my head, the glue in my heart, the glue on my skin, and the glue on my ass. So for today, I will take a decongestant and a nap, drink orange juice, reapply lotion and not eat chocolate even though I convince myself it is for the antioxidants and I will post this blog.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

while headed to the subway...

i hear a father tells his very young daughter
"i hear you are studying poetry."
she might be eight years old and she has fire red hair
he continues
"the thing about poetry is that you want to create an image."
i wonder if she understands what he means by image
i wonder if he understands what he means by image
he zips up her pink backpack as she struggles to keep up with his long strides so they can cross the street before the red hand stops blinking.
i cross their path, just behind them, me and my gray rain boots and dull red hair
definitely after the red hand has stopped blinking.

Monday, April 11, 2011

From Bird's Eye to Bayou

Called in sick to work on Friday. Flew to New Orleans where Tara and I rang in her 30th birthday on Bourbon Street. We danced on stages and drank tequila on the rocks and paraded in the front lines of a Borbon Street parade after midnight. I got horrendously sunburned on Saturday while listening to musical legends at the French Quarter Festival. Saw good friends, ate fine food, and soaked in the wet heat. Sunday, we flew in opposite directions but both ended up catching up on sleep most of the day to return to normalcy for Monday morning. It was a perfect weekend.

Upon looking at my sunburn a friend in New Orleans commented, "Man, it sucks you're going to get busted (about calling in sick for work Friday) but, hey at least it shows you have a pulse." And in response to my boyfriend's encouragement to go for this last minute crazy trip, Yes, I did indeed flex my life muscle.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Mental Clarity

Days later and I am still reeling from my vacation. Although I beat my body up, physically exhausted myself, and blistered, bruised and strained my legs, sunburnt and wind burnt my face, I came back with an empty head. Like all of my stress had been collecting and could only be released through physical exertion and adrenaline. I liked who I was in Colorado- relaxed, very go with the flow, and open to anything. And yes, I'm aware it was vacation and if it were my life, perhaps it would be different. Or I would always have that awesome release of the mountain. On the mountain, there is no time to think about the little things that bog me down. It is just me and the mountain, not me and my head. I can only think about myself in that moment. And even when I am taking the chair lift up, the only thing I feel is gratitude for being able to expereince that beauty in that moment. I think about my life, that one tiny dot and where I am in that moment of time and just how unbelievably blessed and lucky I am. I always feel this way when I leave Colorado. So it is hard to seperate what is the vacation afterglow from a desire to uproot my world and set it down there. For now, I think I am good in NYC, especially Brooklyn. I am on track and have a comfortable, happy, life. Perhaps I just need to take more ski trips or at least get outside more. Climb a mountain or two.