Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Abandoned

So, I was doing pretty good with trying to keep up with those prompts and then I completely fell off. Which is another way to say that I lost my focus. I have found that I even keep myself busy at work with mindless tasks just to make sure I do not focus or think about what I need for myself. Again, I have a full plate and part of me is wondering if I will ever get to a place, where having little to do feels like a lot. It's like if I'm not doing something every minute, I feel like I could be or should be. Yesterday, I woke up at 5:50, went to the gym (even though I still can't run)worked out until 7, came back showered, grabbed breakfast on the run, still left the house late, read a book for coveraae on the subway, got to work, did not stop doing several tasks until I took a walk and even then it was to go on an errand, came back, worked some more, the minute work is over I met a new tutoring student (which I'm thrilled about!) in the lobby, met for an hour then went back to the subway, read more of my book for coverage, once exiting the subway I made a phone call on my way home, once home started an email, went to a meeting, came home, made a phone call, finished a lengthy email, and by the time I was supposed to go to dinner with Mike, we just ordered in. We ate at 9:40 at night! After a nice dinner and dessert with him, I went back to the internet and found myself obsessively checking craigslist to see if there are any loft apartments anywhere in nyc that i will one day be able to afford. After losing track for 30 minutes (!) it was way past bedtime and of course my mind had not stopped so going to sleep was a struggle and then I was passed out. Here I am, trying to focus on my "serenity" and taking it easy so I don't overwhelm myself and even that has just become another task to squeeze in. It's so hard to abandon what I am so good at doing.

1 comment:

Carmen said...

i know the feeling.
but don't be so hard on yourself.
maybe rather than thinking of always and never, let yourself go back and forth between the two. you don;t have to always or never do anything on a given day. maybe you just fluctuate back and forth over time. like with the writing prompts. you didn;t do it EVERY day this week, but ou did it today. you're still doing it...
speaking of which - wanna go to the moth?