Saturday, January 29, 2011

Writing Prompt 15: Why didn't you call?

This prompt would be a good title of collection of short stories of one night stands or perhaps "missed connections." I have never asked someone why they didn't call. Thankfully there have not been too many incidents where this question would need to be asked. As I was telling Tara, there is a part of me that will always believe that very innocent, catholic, maybe even naive assumption that my body is special, that I should not share it with too many people. I have never been one to have lots of boyfriends, lovers, fuck-buddies, whatever you want to call it. I am careful with my heart and then I anchor down. I like the journey of a relationship rather than the freedom of casualness. I guess I never really saw being single as having my freedom. There have been small amounts of time where I have been single and the flings I had felt very disconnected, somewhat boring to me. The other night a friend of mine told me she was a little bummed to be turning 30 and without a companion. But also so grateful. She has refined what is that she is looking for by discovering what she does not want. I'd never heard her sound so sure of what she wanted and it was inspiring to listen to her. It reminded me that I have what I want, despite my anxiety that overcomes my being when we go through a hardship. I have a partner who is so kind. Kindness is so overlooked and for years I would have never listed it as one of the top qualities I wanted in a man. But finding someone who is truly kind is a very difficult task. When he pours himself a glass of water before bed, he refills mine. He rubs my back and neck whenever I ask. He cooks me dinners and greets me with a kiss. In the mornings, sometimes he tells me I "look good." I also have someone who does not worry. Growing up in a household that operated on worry and fear, it is refreshing to come home to someone who is always calm. And I have someone who is happy from the inside out. There is no anger or stress or built up repressed emotion, no stubborn element of fear hanging on from childhood, no resentment. There is only this appreciation for life every day. While he can be a smart ass, he is not cynical. I did cynical and while it looked cool, it robbed me of my energy. I have enough cynicism for two people and I am working on that every day. When Mike and I rekindled our old flame in LA three and a half years ago, we both told each other that our lives didn't really match up right then. I drove him to the airport, and when we said goodbye, he said, "Sooo, I'll call you later?" And I said, "Yeah," not knowing if he would really call. There had been so much heartbreak in our past, I didn't want to put any pressure on him or any expectation for us. But when he called later that night, I knew that he was what I had wanted all along.

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