Monday, December 20, 2010

competition

A very close friend of mine has become a blogger celebrity and for good reason. What started as a cute blog about being a twenty something valley girl quickly turned into a pregnancy blog and has now become a mommy-money making machine. I have always known that this friend is a genius. In high school, she taught herself five instruments while being grounded for six months, she was in all the AP classes, (a route I chose not to take), she was cast in the school play as a junior which was a little unheard of since all the big parts went to seniors, she was accepted to a high school program for North Carolina School of the Arts where she started making films and when she was accepted early decision to NYU's Tisch School of the Arts for film (the most competitive program in the nation), our high school announced it over the morning school news. She is also funny, Grace Kelly beautiful, and very kind. She married one of my oldest friends and together they had the cutest most loving and lovable child in the world. This friend is also behind me getting into NYU. After our freshman year in college, on Christmas break we met to see the movie "Stuart Little." Never would I choose to see a movie like this, but with this friend I saw all sorts of cheesy comedies. It just became something we did. While ordering popcorn, she handed me an application to NYU and made me promise her I would apply. I think my application had a butter stain in the corner. But, I applied and to my complete surprise I got in. She worked hard in college, didn't party too much and was in a long-distance relationship with her future husband. She was grounded. Always, she has been grounded. I partied hard, held a full time job, took easier classes, spent a semester abroad in Dublin where I partied even harder and had three classes. I was in back-to-back/overlap relationships, I never missed a homework deadline, but I often pulled all-nighters the day before a deadline.  This friend graduated NYU early, was top of her class, and quickly got a job in LA. She had a film in the Los Angeles film festival not too long out of college and quickly became a personal assistant to a well-known television director. While I worked too long as a personal assistant for a commerical director where I became more of his caretaker, I didn't land my first A-list Hollywood job until 2006 and it was a receptionist position.  My friend was leaving for a movie shoot in Canada with Ryan Reynolds. The last few years have been a blur. She wrote a script and used her connection with her boss to get an agent. She finally quit being an assistant and became a treatment writer for commercials, and is now a writer, that is her profession. People pay her to write blogs, treatments, and soon will pay her for her screenplays, one of which just made it to the Hollywood blacklist which despite its name is a huge honor. It is a list voted on by peers and they nominate the top 100 scripts of the year. She made it on the 2010 list. She also got married and had a baby and clawed herself back from post-partum over the past year to find herself as the girl I have always seen: the girl on top.
I told myself years ago that I would stop playing the comparison game. I would stop feeling sorry for myself and stop trying to figure out why my path was so different from the people I went to college with. But it wasn't until I read my friend's blog where she informed her following that her script had made the blacklist that I realized how much time had passed since college. In that time, she had remained grounded and I remained searching. I keep telling myself that I need to get serious, but the truth is, I'm not. Yesterday I had the day to myself and instead of sitting in the chair, I cleaned, I put away clothes, I wrapped Chrsitmas gofts, I wantched the Giants game, I exercised. The whole while I can physically feel myself ignoring that voice that is asking me why I am not writing. I am not sure if it comes from a fear of failure or a fear of success. A fear that I am a phony or a fear that I am no good. But now the question remains, how much longer will I continue to search outward instead of inward? What is it going to take to become the girl on top rather than the girl looking up to the girl on top. It has been sobering to play the comparison game once again and I wonder if maybe a little competition would have been good for me all along. My best stuff has come out of anger or competition. When did I become such a pussy?

1 comment:

The818 said...

The amazing thing is lady, the feeling is mutual. Look at you and all of your invaluable adventures. I hope you love what you see as much as I do.