Sunday, September 26, 2010

leakage

it has been good to go back to the movies
after a long hiatus
it has been nice to return to the dark rooms i love so much
i didn't know why i didn't want to go to the movies or even watch a movie
for awhile i was turned off from seeing violence
having watched an episode of the wire too soon after my grandparents' deaths
but after watching two in two days,
two which both stayed with me long after the credits,
 i remembered why
movies pluck those chords of mine that i keep tucked away, beneath my ribs
movies make me feel
but after that week in may, i felt like all the feelings were firing all the time
swimming at the surface
ready to spill over any moment

i was afraid of watching a movie for fear of what would leak out.
there is still some leakage
but sometimes i think a little leak might be a good thing.

Monday, September 20, 2010

happy birthday to you, handsome...

and to me! i gotta good feeling about this year.
xo
t

Sunday, September 19, 2010

odd years

in a couple more hours
i will no longer be
"28"
something about the "9"
in "29"
lends a weight i had not anticipated
there is the feeling of teetering on the edge of my youth
before taking the inevitable plunge into
my "30s"
a chapter that screams with more promise
than the twenties ever realized
and yet a chapter potentially so completely loaded.
i wish i had slapped the asshole last night who tried to pick me up
and then when i told him how old i would be turning
he replied
"29??...You're so old!"
i don't know whether he was trying to be funny or cute
but i did not get offended right away
i just thought
"yeah, i am old....finally"
and i no longer have to waste my time on niceties
or considering strangers feelings
when i blow them off at a bar.
maybe at "29," my honesty and aggressiveness will not be seen as bitchy,
but rather someone who has something important to say.
so get the fuck out of my way.
perhaps at "29" i will finally feel
that my age matches my experiences
that although i am still young
i am no longer very young
and i can finally be
the woman i have been meaning to be.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

hallmark

this year, you will not arrive
there will be no reading of the word "dearest"
no promise of a love always
you will not be returned
nor will you see the bottom of a trash can
or the darkness of a drawer
tucked deeply in a file marked
"personal correspondence"
you will not have the chance of being posted on a fridge
but then you never were
because it was just too much space to take
but now that's all you are
a space that continues to roll out
like a map
covering my body
disappearing me
tattooing me with your blood
shrouded in a blink
that won't open.
when he asks me what i want for my birthday
all i can think of is your stupid cards.