Monday, June 7, 2010

fermenting

i tried to play soccer the other night
but i just got lost on the field
the heat like a cloak of suppression
choking the life right out of me.
i get beat again and again
and i wonder where my heart has gone
where my spirit is hiding
and i realize that i am alone out there
even though i came to play with my team.
the loneliness, the heat, the frustration
all roil to the top
in a swirl of perfectly fermented emotion.
i am looking for a fight
and i find one
but i find my bite is louder than my bark
and in the end, i am the one who leaves with my tail between my legs.
i want to care about something
but everything is exhausting
i want to play like my old self
without becoming my old self
just what exactly is involved in the process of growth?
they tell me i should talk about it
take notes
take time
be good to myself
and so i do.
but every time i move, it jumps all over me
and i feel myself collapsing under the weight of it all.
so i continue to go through some motions,
in case one day i will care again
and i will want these things in my life
even if it is a lonely soccer field and pages of bad poetry.

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