Monday, January 4, 2010

who loves tacos

we drive home in a blizzard with new york plates leaving vermont like we always do
tired, hungover, and open
-wearing our guts on our sleeves-
i can't make a move without feeling like i might fall through the floor
my head is spinning and my stomach is angry
but my heart feels full for the first time in a long time.
we recap inside jokes and quotes of the weekend
speaking in rhythms and cycles and occasionally a song of truth
the chorus poking through at the moment when one of us says out loud something about themselves they are uncertain about
jess tells me to try to look at things more than just right and wrong, good and evil
i know life is not black and white
i just never lived in the gray area
i don't know how and it scares me which makes me think i really need to try it.
the week is intense
i drink more, i talk more, i get people to laugh and i'm reminded that i'm kind of funny
not as funny as zee but i have my own sense of humor.
we play a card game of words and i fall in love with it
and remember how much i just love making a word.
i am confronted once again by a friend who simply just wants me to talk to her
and i try to answer though in a completely shut off manner.
there's that light switch, i think.
our words weave in and out of our voices interrupting, running over and spilling out
the emotions all bubbling to the surface in this cacophony of footsteps on snow and polyester rubbing against polyester until finally the ice cracks and i feel like i'm sinking
trying to push all the water back in.
i admit things i didn't see
i apologize for things i did
and i try to move forward but the vermont air has penetrated me to my bones and all i can do is step back inside.
i no longer feel like drinking that night.
we dance at a wedding in honor of the groom and we all feel so pretty.
i try to take pictures, wanting to remember this moment for me
wanting to remember this moment for all of us
this moment that showed us all dancing like gypsies, laughing, loving and all in one place
but the pictures come out blurry as if to remind me that this is meant to be remembered in my heart and nowhere else,
that if i keep the tiny fractions of growth that happened over the course of seven days and keep them at the front, i can walk away from this trip and appreciate all the women i have in my life.
but saying goodbye makes me so sad.
it feels good to be home
in new york
with my friend back.

No comments: