Monday, January 11, 2010

quiet time

tonight i had the apartment to myself
i had a million things to do, like work on my Hunter application, organize my finances, put away my clean laundry...
but the quiet was deafening and i allowed myself to slip into a comfortable cozy position on the futon and indulge myself in the first book i have read for pleasure in months.
its a memoir and its good. sometimes too good and i slam it shut and walk away from it when i start to feel my saliva turn salty.
her depictions are gruesome and raw and too close to home.
but i pick it back up and continue reading when all of the sudden the smallest detail comes out and grabs me by my collar.
the obsessive counting, chanting, the superstitions, the obsession with being perfect.
millions of kids had mothers like mine and a millions more had worse childhoods than mine and there is something universal in this book that all of us can grab onto.
but finally, someone else had the chanting!
the right, left, right, left on doorknobs and the hot & cold knobs of the bathtub and faucets.
someone had the need to step on the cracks, every single one, once with the right foot, once with the left
someone else also had to repeat prayers, word for word in a chant until the tongue tired itself out and somewhere in their brain they had given the prayer permission to run continuously in their heads like a silent meditation...
or maybe just some stupid superstition
that if you did everything just perfectly, she might stop drinking.

No comments: