Sunday, January 24, 2010

hello

i see that she called a couple hours ago and left a voicemail
but i ignore it and continue watching the saints game
then it eats at me because she never calls especially not to chat or leave a message
something must have happened
the saints are in overtime and its 4th and inches and they are within field goal range
i check my voicemail
she is sobbing, barely able to catch her breath and she is grasping for me
and i don't know why and i don't think she knows why either
but she begs me to call him
i call her back,
it is three hours since she left that voicemail and she is considerably more put together
she tells me the situation
she tells me how scared she was, is
she asks me to call him because it would mean so much
it would lift his spirits she says
maybe it makes her feel good to feel like she is doing something positive for this family
that despite how her addiction ripped it apart
maybe in her most desperate moments she can try to assemble it
even though she doesn't know how to
i tell her i will call him
i call him
it rings and rings and rings and just before i hang up he answers.
"hello?"
i pause, i don't know whether to call him grandpa or ben
"ben?"
"yes."
"its lindsey...your granddaughter?"
i can hear him sigh
"its so good to hear your voice," he tells me
we talk a little bit and its nice
he tells me he is stable
he asks a little bit about me
i tell him i am hosting friends from germany
i tell him i like my job and that i'm trying to go back to school
i tell him that i love new york
he thanks me for my call and says he doesn't want to keep me on a long distance call
i confess that i was nervous to call him
i didn't know what to say but i wanted to call and just say hello
he tells me that everything i said was just perfect
he promises to keep me informed of his progress and i tell him good
we hang up and i feel sad, guilty, regretful
maybe i'm mad at myself
i don't know
the truth is i don't really know why things are the way they are
other than some uncomfortable feelings i don't like to face or feel
i don't like to forgive
i don't like to fix things because i don't really think that people change
but maybe they do for a little bit
like how my mom gets sober and then sometimes relapses and then gets sober
like how my dad goes to al-anon and climbs mountains and kicks ass and then falls for the same kind of woman-weak, needy, insecure, needing to be saved
like how my brother will send me really thoughtful christmas gifts and then not return my phone call for a month
or like how i cheated on and disrespected myself and every relationship i was ever in and then committed myself fully to a relationship i finally believe in
i guess if i think about it, people may not change entirely but maybe for certain moments or periods in time and perhaps it is worth keeping an open heart if only for those fleeting moments when we reveal ourselves as better than we actually are
i guess what i feel is sorry
a sorry i wondered if i would feel when this time or one of these scares would come
i always had it in the back of my head that one day i would get a phone call saying they were dead or in a hospital and i would finally be faced with a decision and with a feeling
i am glad that i decided to call
but i feel sick to my stomach over how it had to happen
at this point sorry seems trite to say
but maybe the best and only thing to say is hello...

1 comment:

daleboca said...

very nice and thoughtful and as usual, hard on you.