Friday, November 6, 2009

to matter

"i just want my life to matter."
"it does matter!"
"no, but i want it to mean something."
"But it does mean something."
i ponder his responses. perhaps he is right.
"i mean, i'm probably not going to find a cure for cancer but i hope to do something with my life that helps at least one other person. i mean isn't that the point, right?"
"but you do do that and you have done that...and so have i."
sometimes i lose sight, sometimes i judge.
i am reminded of the conversation i had with a work colleague.
"i'm not about advancement," she told me. "i'm fine being someone's assistant and not having a lot responsibility. and one day i will be a mom and will want to be able to spend time with my kids. i'm just not very ambitious."
i had told her that sometimes ambition can be blinding.
and after my conversation with him i wonder if i am blinded right now?
on the college application's statement of purpose they ask me to tell them about myself.
i write that i am curios, brave and too responsible.
am i also too serious?
i also write theat in the same breath i can be extremely confident coupled with crippling self-doubt.
am i also so blinded but what i want that i can't see what i have?
i will not be handing this piece of paper in.
but i will try to r-e-l-a-x a little more.
i tell myself...

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