Wednesday, November 4, 2009

searching

"i know that i have a problem with...i know i'm a control freak. i first realized that on DEAR AMERICA."
"really?"
"yeah."
and that was where i also realized how extremely sensitive i am
something i hate to admit and in fact never do.
i see at as weakness and when i start to feel it, i retreat, i push back, i break away
i beat you to the punch.
i tell her that i have been angry, sad, flying off the handle at the slightest comment
and it's going on months now
i tell her that i'm not sure but i think i got hurt. i think i got hurt by my father all over again.
i can't kick this feeling.
we head to the theatre and right before we head inside she brings up our relationship.
had i been upset with her?
i start to sweat. i feel a lump in my throat.
she is much better at this than i and when we sit down and talk she lets herself go a little bit and i try my best.
but sometimes i feel like if i let it come out its all going to come out and i won't know how to end or begin
on the way home i try to think of my personal statement. the same personal statemnet requirements i have been looking at and putting off for a year.
"Write a story about yourself. why you write."
I have always hated this question because the answer is always cliche- "because i have to."
but as i sat on the subway i wrote the word "myself" and wrote a few adjectives i felt describe me write now. then i wrote "why i write" and a few words that came to me under that. and the two columns seemed to almost answer each other.

MYSELF
curious
searching
brave scared

WHY I WRITE
to understand
to find
to let go
to heal
to find my place in the world and who i will be in it
my identity

As far as why i want to write a memoir about my family -another requirement-
i write-"Patterns and the need to break them."

my father once told me to make my decisions with courage and i can't help but think that this grad school pursuit is a decision i am making because i am scared. because i am scared that i have not written a play or a screenplay or a book. i'm scared that i don't really have what it takes-that discipline element, that confidence element- i'm scared that i'm getting older and still have no clear path ahead. and grad school makes sense because at least it gives you a path for two years. but it is november and i still have not found people to do letters of recommendation and the one person i want to ask i am afraid to ask because she knows and i know that i might not be making the right decision. i would say that i wish i could have more time but its not time i need. its my courage.

1 comment:

Carmen said...

you know how sometimes at camp, girls would stand on the tower and try to jump off into the lake below? The scared ones would wait up there biting their nails. the longer they waited the harder it got.

sometimes courage is just not allowing yourself the time to think/reconsider/reevaluate. sometimes you just have to count to three and jump