Wednesday, November 11, 2009

red wine

"sometimes its easier to talk to someone you don't really know."
"yeah...i really don't tell people about this," i laugh, "god, i feel so exposed."
"don't!"
"maybe its because i had a couple glasses of wine. or maybe it was because we just we're on that topic."
"more women should talk about it."
"I guess i don't tell people because i don't want pity."
"you seem like that. you don't want anyone to feel sorry for you."
"yeah, you know, i'm over it."
the car merges onto a dangerous section of the road.
"This road is so dangerous. if you ever take it, be careful. there's not a lot of space here," she warns me.
we pass by a three car collision. we both gasp.
"its okay," i tell her. everyone is out of the car."
we sit in silence for two long seconds before she senses my discomfort.
"is that why you left L.A.?" she asks me and suddenly I am struck with another memory of that night.
"you know...now that I think of it, there was this drive that happened that night that i guess is what i think of when i think of L.A. L.A. is very...lonely. And that night after I realized what was happening and ran out of that house i got in my car. it was four or five in the morning and i just started driving around the valley looking for my friends."
where had they gone? why had they left me in that house?
"i drove past other friends' houses. i drove past the 24 hour diner. i drove past the underage drinking bar and i couldn't find anyone. not one person."
it was true. i don't remember even seeing a stranger that night. so i went home and told my dad what had happened to me. and that night i decided to let everyone go as they had done me.
"you know my 10 year high school graduation was two weekends ago and it was very weird. everyone kept facebooking me asking me if i was going to go and even now i just have nothing to say to any of them."
her car gets to my corner.
"i'm really sorry that happened to you," she tells me without sounding too sad because she knows that is the last thing i want.
"i'm not. in a weird way i'm grateful because he had done it twice before and no one ever did anything. i think it had to happen to me because i was the only one who was going to do anything about it. even if i was the one who lost more in the end."
i thank her and awkwardly offer her gas money and she waves it off like the strange offering it is. i take a few steps and look up at my apartment building and see the living room light on.
the night is cool and it reminds me of L.A.

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