Saturday, October 24, 2009

who's coming to dinner

when i first moved to new york, my cousin jeremey picked me up and helped move me in.
when i was four i used to call him "jermy"
my aunt rose was the first person to visit me and was my most frequent visitor
when she came into town she would spoil me silly
boots, dinners, trips to the russian tea room or bloomingdales
then we grew apart and lost sight of each other.

but tonight we met for dinner and i was reminded of how much i love this woman and how important she has always been to me.
my father called me in the middle of our dinner and i felt guilty i did not pick up but even guiltier that i was talking freely with rose about everything
we talked about life and love and family and boundaries and the dangerous outcome of harboring feelings of hatred towards my dad's girlfriend.
i felt bad that i told her how i felt, for gossiping, but it also felt good to connect with her again
she is one of my mothers and i have missed her. i didn't realize how much i missed her until tonight. how much i miss all the women in my life.
my uncle gary and i also had an insightful, meaningful, artistic conversation and i was reminded how lucky i am to have him in my life
he reminded me that i have to be vigilant in controlling negative thoughts because they will do nothing but harm me and i know this but need to hear it and need to hear it from family.
i miss my family but i am also grateful to have all of the interesting relationships with them that i do. i felt happy when i left dinner tonight, which was a first in a long time.