Wednesday, September 2, 2009

what is at the core


today was the day i finally got back into exercising
i'm staying away from words like "running" or "training" or "losing weight"
though i'd be lying if i said that none of those words popped up as thoughts in my head
especially when i tried on a pair of jeans today that weren't as tight a couple months ago
but with my shin and my plantar fascitis and bone spur,
though in have been truly in pain,
i have also found in these injuries excellent excuses to let everything go
by everything i mean my eating healthy, my writing a memoir, my daily runs or workouts
which i realized are more like medicine than anything else
but i never gave enough credit to what those exercising times were really about
though i am constantly in a race against myself to "lose weight"
which is not a real goal since i never really set a number or size.
i just eyeball it, as if i'm cooking,
a pinch off here, a handful there
but of course it can all go to shit in an instance depending on my temperature.
in truth i only ever really lost about 5-10 pounds even when i was running obsessively
but my stress levels were lower, i wrote more and i felt good about myself
like even though i hadn't accomplished any life goals like writing a book or buying a house or traveling the world just yet
i, at the very least, made time for myself and accomplished a mini goal with every workout.

its not about how long the run is
or how many minutes on the watch
or how many calories you burn
but its about finding the core
telling yourself that everything else can wait because you are what needs to be focused first before anything else can get done and get done well, correctly and with the attention it deserves;
accomplishing other goals with the confidence of someone who has already accomplished one for the day.
its about what's at the center and making sure its you
but being mindful of the world around you and steering away from self-centerdness
steering away from a mindset that distorts relationships, perceptions and betrays what is really underneath, belies true emotions and glosses over fears with anger or self pity
but finding a balance or perhaps THE balance
by focusing the self first in a way that frees up the mind
and allows us to do all things with love, even the tough things.

this time around i will exercise because its what helps me find the balance
and i'd much rather have my sanity and days that feel good and relationships that are healthy
than a size 6 dress.

1 comment:

linzer said...

you are sooooo right and you make me want to wake up tomorrow morning and run just for the sake of running. sometimes, it is so much easier to let it all go and its almost scary to start again. thank you for this reminder. and i'm so proud to be on your list of people!