Thursday, May 7, 2009

i forgot about you

i forgot about you, blog
the same way i forget me
and how i can persuade myself so damn thoroughly
i forget just how much i love him
am grateful for him
like a lavender growing in the green moss around the canoes
i remember you, lavender, from last spring
and only now do i see how much you were missed
how beautiful you were and are
and how self possessed I was that I didn't even notice your passing
i forget about cycles and life, my life in particular
how march also turns bittersweet in the beginning of the month when i know in my gut that i should call my mother to wish her happy birthday and then i do and it makes me sad all over
she is always nervous when she talks to me and i want to reach through the phone and hug her and tell her that i'm sorry and i, too, also wish that none of that, none of this ever happened
i want to tell her that i love her and mean it
but instead i hang up and am left with a metallic taste in my mouth and salt on lips
like march melting onto april
making it slushy, dirty, unsure just what the fuck it wants to be
i was twelve and grandpa died
april 26th
i gave one of the eulogies
shel died in april, too,
but i think i cried at that funeral
maybe not
april always felt like death
stunk like rot, mildew
as the seasons pretended to change in los angeles
and collide in new york
i always find myself at the bottom of self-pitying sink hole of misery at some point in the year.
and i think more often then not it's in april.
i forget to say i'm sorry and that i know it's tough
i forget to tell myself that i really am doing the best i can even though i always believe i am not doing enough
i forget about the good things in my life
like a family who thinks i'm brave, friends that think i'm funny, a boyfriend that thinks i'm sexy
and that i'm smart
i forget to say thank you
so here is a big one to it all

1 comment:

daleboca said...

brought tears to my eyes....