Wednesday, April 29, 2009

a new hairdo

spring is here,
it thinks,
we think
i button up my coat on the walk to him
all i can think about is the change that i want
it has become an obsession,
a suffocating, strangling depression
and yet i catch a glimpse of myself in a window front and do a double take
i have found something new
a new hairdo
and i like it...a lot.
here's to the little new things.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

to write or not to write

i started a book...
in theory.
i can't get past the first chapter and i'm not even sure i like that.
its a memoir, but before you gag, it is only about a certain period of my life that i have been encouraged to write and reassured it was interesting.
the problem is that it is not that interesting to me.
i have a hard time getting into the drama of it all, but then it comes off bland, uninteresting,
like cream of wheat.
but when i do get into the drama, i hate it even more and find it melodramatic even though i feel like i am writing someone else's story, a third person narrative, detached yet all knowing.
i can't figure out if it is because i really don't want to write about this because in my mind it is a closed chapter or if i don't want to confront it and bring all this shit up or if i am falling back into a bad habit of not completing things.
a facebook quiz that assumes what alternative rock goddess from the 90s you are based on a series of questions, suggests that i am kim deal.
which is awesome 'cause the pixies are one of my favorite groups, but conflicting in that it says that kim deal never realized her full potential and brilliance and then went off the deep end.
in a documentary i saw a couple years ago about the pixies short comeback, she was living with her parents and spent her days obsessively knitting just to keep her mind off booze and drinking. she was still funny and obviously still brilliant, but she looked like a prisoner of herself.
i think i am going to try and finish another chapter.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

strange week

a date with the father of an ex
a play with a professor from college
dinner with an ex/old friend I haven't seen in two years
the arrival of a book
the obligation to write a check for $65
a trip to connecticut for a bridal shower
a night in the lower east side that i abort shortly after midnight
a long, long, subway ride home
tired of everything...everything.