Tuesday, December 30, 2008

'tis the season

the holidays are hard.
i am reminded of this as a friend has been sleeping on our couch since Christmas.
I want to ask what happened
I want to know why he crept back home at 3am so not to see anyone and grab some things
but I already know the answer
The holidays are hard.
I plug into my iPod which for some reason I forget to charge every night
even though my morning commute is so much more pleasant with it
but today i had the urge to listen to tori amos.
i have not listened to her in maybe nine years
which makes me feel old and curious all together
i find the song that is stuck in my head and i can't remember how or why it got there
i click on "little earthquakes, leather"
and suddenly i am eighteen singing the lyrics to this song feeling them rip through my soul
i am violated and broken
weak but finding strength
humiliated and angry
looking for an escape
i am reminded of that horrible night the day after christmas so many years ago and
i remember disappearing up into northern california for four or five days and spending new years eve with people whose names i can no longer remember.
i was eighteen, and one of them was twenty-seven like i am now
i was eighteen and one of them was twenty-five, nineteen, or eighteen like me
there was a girl with a tattoo that meant "brother" in some chinese letters
and i remember her telling me her brother had gotten "sister"
we went to the house of some child actor who i have not seen in life or on tv since
i did not spend new years eve with my friends that year and instead made a new years resolution to forget all of those people that were there the night after christmas
i see them on facebook
still spending new years together and i am proud of the best new years resolution i ever made
i am reminded why i no longer listen to this album
but i can't help from indulging in the miserable nostalgia of it all
i feel old and it feels good to be far from eighteen.

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