Wednesday, December 10, 2008

the importance of stopping....really stopping

a minute to minute flood of interruptions
or short interactions
communicating while disconnecting
nothing feels real on this phone call
a constant compulsion to be connected to people through the most impersonal of ways
i check my email a couple times an hour
i flip through news websites
never really fully reading the articles
maybe half to get the point
i get a coupon for a sale-40% off
i am broke...very broke....
but i do need jeans
and i have been looking for a hat
i visit once
i visit twice
and i walk out with two pairs of jeans, a hat a shirt
i feel dirty
ashamed
i do not need any of it
but i would like to have pants that have no holes or rips
and i have been looking for a hat that keeps my ears warm
maybe i did need them
these buys are justified
my bank account disagrees
i confess to him
"i think i have a problem"
and within five minutes i am convincing him that i do not
i leave my credit cards at home
could i get away with leaving my debit card, too?
i am amused by this comical reversal
i used to reject the notion of shopping
especially at anything not vintage
and now i love them in that
"i hope this is caressing some bullshit insecurity" kind of way
i consider returning one of the jeans and perhaps the shirt
but all i really want right now is to stop
stop buying
stop worrying
stop obsessing
stop moving
and just listen
really listen
stop all distractions and
listen to the person i should be reconnecting with
in order to communicate with love
forget anger
and get into the fucking holiday spirit.
i shall see where my guilt lies tomorrow...

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