Wednesday, November 19, 2008

a state of mind

i listen to her talk about how to get published
how to become a freelance writer
how to step into that world of being a "professional writer"
i listen to her with feigned seriousness
a creased brow, a tilted head, a slow almost barely noticeable nod and the only thought that runs through my head is:
"i don't really want to do this."
and the next thought:
"well there's your answer."
and the next thought:
"shutup! you are just scared and lazy."
and then the next thought:
"what DO you want to do?"
and then the next thought:
"maybe i am a playwright. maybe i need to go back to my roots. maybe writing will always be your side thing and your career will have to be something else because freelance nonfiction for damn sure ain't gonna pay the bills."
i lose them after class only to catch up with them on the corner right before we part ways on the subway.
it is cold; bone shivering cold
i ask her what her take is on grad school knowing that she went to columbia for a masters in journalism
she hesitates and then tells me what i needed to hear
something i know but still need to hear
"there is definitely a benefit but you don't need it. its...its 80,000 dollars. its more about building your self confidence and committing yourself financially and emotionally to this idea that you are going to be a journalist."
huh.
I talk with my fellow comrade in quarter life crisis and she adds,
"i totally agree. grad school is a state of mind."
and something inside me...releases.
if i could do it for free, i would. but i don't need it. i need me to believe in me. i need me to keep trying. i need me to do the work and to accept that it is going to be really hard but if i keep trying, something will happen.
i need me to have me in a state of mind.

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