Tuesday, July 1, 2008

grandma

she owns a place in my life that no one else can replicate, replace, or refurbish
she is my picture of a lady-
with fire in her voice and grit in her smile.
she takes shit from no one, except maybe her children's in laws.
she does not confront what can not handle truth
and yet her opinions can be seen buttoned to her sleeves
she is tireless in loving the ghost of a man who left her long ago
and yet she is chastised for her excessive drinking.
she falls a lot and it worries them
but she gets back up, though less and less so.
i miss her and yet i can't find the will to reconnect in any way that feels honest or sufficient
i am a fraud
and a liar for a granddaughter
"i just don't want to go through loss"
so instead i lose all the time what is here now
i try to forget
but guilt has claws
and i can feel the teeth marks of a rabid conscious bearing down on my heart.
heavy is the heart of the fool who closes it too soon.
i am not a lady
not a lady like her and i hate the way that kills
"you take after grandma," he once said
and i remember thinking it was the nicest compliment i ever received
i feel like a liar
and i don't know how to change it.
i'm sorry
so sorry.

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