Monday, June 30, 2008

a space

there is a space that exists that holds our memories up with scotch tape and push pins
and carries our history with brightly painted shelves, just perfect for a wrestling ring
there is a space where the aroma of coffee perfumes our quiet breakfast table
and a space where marigolds can relive and love can be reborn time and time again
there is a space where whispers land on ears like gospels
and a laugh can vibrate between the bodies of two
there is a space that can exist on either coast and in all of the places in between
but will always be extra special in the state of New Jersey
there is a space where "i love you" never tires
and a look says more than either of them could begin to explain
there is a space where a thank you just doesn't quite do justice
for the way one life collides with another to create something intangible that no one else can touch.
there is a space that floats gently in the world with the fiercest of grips and it possesses a stregth to withhold one thousand storms.
it is a beautiful space with a garden full of tomatos and chives and thyme
and it makes for two amazing cooks.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

the process of finding truly meaningful inspiration

we jog along a stretch of urban bohemian beauty meeting the crest of old man river gently carrying boats far too big for this fissure of land
the skyline of new jersey hangs in the balance while that ever impressive GWB bridges the differences between cousins
my knees crunch with the pound of the pavement and my body hurts
the harder i land the more the land hits back
and it is a much harder run than the ones i am used to.
i breathe in the salt flapping in the air and i drink in the view of this portrait of energy
my heart beats for this place and i start to feel lucky for the pains in my knee.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

stars out, heart out

"Were most of your stars out? Were you busy writing your heart out?"
I used to want to get that tattoed on my wrist until I forgot the idea...
until recently...
I completely forgot the saying all together and it popped in my mind like a favorite smell or an old photograph-
this used to hold weight.
and yet here i am eight years later and when i think of that saying something inside me feels just a little lighter.
family has a way of nourishing and oppressing all at once.
go be a writer, but know that you wouldn't be one without us
go be an artist, but what the hell are you doing with your life
we support you, are you really a fucking receptionist?
there is majesty in defeating one's own ego
but the real fight comes when other's try to unearth your own
"i paid $16 for a cup of coffee," she laughs at her own amusement.
"I'm just glad someone else is paying the tab," and this is supposed to excuse the fact that she ordered a $16 cup of coffee that was probably cold by the time it reached her room
the country is bleeding
people can no longer afford to be middle class Americans
and she is buying $16 cups of coffee and i am judging her behind my bodega cup of joe.
i miss writing all the time
sometimes i forget
sometimes its easier to just work and find things to work hard on rather than myself
i think about that tattoo and i wonder of a permanent reminder would help me to stay focused
a subtle yet gentle reminder of me
or would i carve it out in twenty four hours...
if i keep biting my nails, i just mught have a chance.

Friday, June 13, 2008

a bouquet of daisies just for me

there is nothing quite like walking into a room with a bouquet of flowers and a card with your name on it waiting for you
and there is nothing quite like reading the words on that small card
for me from him
and there is nothing quite like the kiss after such a thoughtful and classy gesture
and there is nothing at all like the person behind this bouquet of yellow daisies just for me.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

victory

June 29th
6:25 PM
Woodshop Films
420 Green Street
Philadelphia Independent Film Festival
DEAR AMERICA

At last.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

butterflies contd...

i feel like i may have already used the title "butterflies" on a former blog
hence the title of this blog
i feel like a love struck pup or some silly schoolgirl but the only thing i felt i wanted to write about today, was the feeling i get when i step out of the car in the morning and i see his face one last time before 5:30pm and how my stomach still turns when he smiles at me
and yes, i know, i wrote about him yesterday and he has gained quite a collection of blogs about him
but, i think i am still in a constant state of surprise in how someone can affect me so much
how one person can physcially affect me by their presence alone or a simple smile
it amazes me how open we were to each other and how we both just trusted an impulse, or rather a gut feeling and here we are not even a year later and he's dropping me off at the train station in new brunswick every morning at 6:15am and i'm rushing to catch the 4:52 NJ Transit train to Jersey Ave every day
and we're shaving mohawks and buying exercise equipment and making dinners and finding respect for a cup of french press coffee
we are collecting netflix and adding extra salt to our popcorn and pretending we both have a garden though i have to admit its more his than ours
and we are laughing and sweating profusely on a dock, getting drunk off two beers
and we are driving home from my soccer game on friday night, exhausted, but not exhausted enough to skip a slice of pizza.
sometimes i freeze, physically and mentally and i just feel how happy i am
and it makes me proud that we both worked so damn hard to get here and proud to see how much it was worth it.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Lucky

big brown curls drop into an oversized bathroom trash can
"maybe, i'll do a mohawk."
within minutes we are there.
me straightening the lines of his mohawk
and him with the strip of curls running down the middle of his head
he laughs at himself
we laugh together
"i think it looks cool."
"my mom's gonna kill me."
we laugh some more.
"i bet you shave it off by tomorrow."
"we'll see."
tomorrow comes and goes and i have to admit, the haircut has grown on me considerably
"you look like a punk rocker with your pierced nipples and mohawk."
he knows this and gets a kick out of it.
we talk about the different ways he will have to respond to people's reactions now with this new image
i think we end on something like, "have a good day. Fuck off." or something like that.
we agree to go to sleep after an amazing day and an even more amazing night
and when we both turn to our right side and fit together like a puzzle
i can't help but thank the universe for placing this amazing and talented and funny and loving and generally indescribable person in my life. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Friday, June 6, 2008

happy hour

dear happy hour,
i think its time we had a chat. please stop kidnapping me with your $3.50 pints and half off frozen margaritas. it would also be nice if you could make less delicious food and move your entire establishment a few blocks away. Yes, that would also be much appreciated. And if you could stop making all these awesome peoplegather in a two block square radius, I might be a little more safe.

Sincerely,

Upset Stomach

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

the discovery of friend's blog

tonight i accidentally found the link to a blog of a friend i have known forever
its kind of hard to call her my friend because i have always considered her younger brother a close friend" and she was and is the older sister.
i have a lot of love for her and still will call her my friend, but i guess for both of these people
(her and her brother)
they exist in this completely other category devoid of labels
they exist in the places where we grew up and they are first hand witnesses to each other's ever evolving puberty
we are heartbreak children, with one parent and one bedroom apartments but don't think for a second you're going to pull anything past us because we are some tough motha#$%^&*!
but most of all we all come equipped with this wicked sense of humor that sometimes i think only we really get.
i was glad to see her amazing creative blog but i also felt like i couldn't really read it without letting her know.
i am homesick.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

i want to linger...

a little longer...
a little longer here with you...
campfire side
right side of life.
and we laugh and we sing and dance like hippies under a moonless sky but the stars are shooting and so are we-
aiming for what we think is right but hoping for happiness in the end cause that's all that really matters.
the sky breaks and we sit in the rain, singing songs about sunshine until we will the clouds away,
or at least in our heads.
we share stories and make stories, clasping moments in this vortex of time to tuck away in our pockets and walk away with,
until a day falls dark and we need to unbutton those treasure chests.
"what are you working on?" and "how's the writing going?"
versus
"what do you do?" what is your worth? what is your value? what is your use to me?
and i am reminded of why i love this place and these people so incredibly much.
they see me for whats inside my heart
not in my wallet
and leaving this place has always been a heartbreak i am glad to relive because the affair is worth it.
here, i am a writer. he is a musician. she is a dancer. he is a photographer. she is a poet.
we are respected and loved and missed. we are forever a part of this nomadic family that will always come together when the stars align.
i miss these pieces of my heart strewn about the world, but at least we get to reconnect at least for a night or even a moment and in a way,
i am rejuvenated on a level i have no words for.
i feel open.
i feel courageous.
i feel me.