Monday, March 3, 2008

because i feel like it

its been a while since i've had a good buzz  and it feels fucking fan-ta-stic
the nice thing about not really drinking ever is that when you do you have an insanely low tolerance
cheap, quick, nice feeling
you don't really get drunk because you definitely know better
but a nice buzz can really blow off steam. 
however i don't think it can blow off steam if you do it every night.
then you just wake up every morning a little more agitated than you were the day before.
but every once in awhile...that is what it was made for.
the italians have it all figured out.
sometimes i let my mind go there.
i won't lie.
i have had dreams of an italian orchard in tuscany which is hilarious cause i don't even know what can grown there, i just imagine rust colored trees gently hissing with a wind 
and me under them with a smile on my face
sometimes there's a small son in the picture, sometimes it is just me
but there is always him in the picture
the olive picker
i sigh silently
i can't wait to wake up there every day
in that world
where anything and everything is possible.
i read a sad script this morning.
a woman said to the man, "you're at that age where what you are is what you are gonna be."
he was 27 and i felt, for the first time in the script, an immediate empathy for him.
who says so?
27 is still young.
i start to freak.
is what i am what i will always be?and if so, what the fuck is that?
someone who is still not content with her surroundings? still trying to figure out just what her place in the world is but even more so, trying to understand the importance of discovering that place?
i am frustrated with this keyboard and these thoughts. 
one is faster than the other. all i know is that i am tired of hitting delete.
a friend tells me i could apply to my dream.
"you got that in like 2.5 seconds," and i try to believe her.
somehow, her opinion means more to me than most and her tiny ichat message has pierced me for second.
is it possible that she believes in me more than i know?
i know it shouldn't matter who believes in me, but i also know that i'm a sucker.
it feels nice, for lack of a better word, coming from her.
it feels right.
define self esteem.
my fingers are tired and i realize that i still have not done a blog for sunday...
maybe tomorrow.

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