Wednesday, March 12, 2008


to the man i love dear:
i am barely able to keep still in my chair. 

to the man i love dear's sister:
i can't wait to get to know you better.

three more hours!!!

one little, two little, three little...

"thank you for my gift."
he hugs me with his thin little arms and then plants a kiss on me.
i am in love.
his younger brother follows suit. 
it feels familiar.
when i was 18, i said goodbye to my 8 year old cousin, my favorite person in the world. 
he is now 16 and we didn't even hug goodbye.
we've had enough goodbyes to put ourselves through that again.
and now i know better than to tell this five year old, and this soon to be four year old that i am moving.
it hurts enough to think it. 
he thanks me again before i leave and my heart breaks just a little bit.
they are incredible people
it really is all about children.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

my mountain

last night my dad asked me to go to a meeting he was leading
he asked me to come for support which i understood as a way to get me to one of these things.
but i go and it is a lot bigger than the ones i've been to in the past.
he starts to give his 7 minute share and i feel myself getting choked up. 
he talks about losing tom. he talks about getting altitude sickness and having to find the trail in the dark and he talks about the guy in his group who ignored my dad's warnings and died in his sleep. he talks about how when he was hiking in the dark a thought came to him. 
"what are people going to think when i tell them i didn't make the summit?" and it occurs to him that he doesn't see any of those people around walking this mountain with him.
the same way he is not on their mountain.
i am humbled.
he ends his share with the question: what do you want?
and more and more hands start to go up. 
share by share, this beautiful cacophony of life and humanity, humility and pain, grief and joy,
tears, laughs, and most importantly presence. everyone there is in the moment.  
i start to really listen and there is a part of me that thinks i might just give this a try.
the pursuit of serenity is looking pretty damn appealing.

the boys

at 9:30am with the new daylights saving, my dad, brother and my cousin show up at my dad's and we collectively moved me out of the first apartment i ever officially held a lease on
it is a whirlwind move-quick, cheap and slightly dangerous
my dad suggest that we take laurel canyon back over and i see my entire life spilling all over crescent heights. 
my brother and my cousin tell jokes as they throw an old rope over my snowboards, foam mattress pad, boxes of important documents, my bike. none of this looks safe but i know that i am in good hands. 
i am so grateful for the boys in my life.
it is times like these when i feel very lucky to have been raised the way i was.
i wouldn't want it any other way.

my hero

"how about a movie tomorrow around noon?"
"uh...that could work..i...i talked to shaun last night and..."
"what's going on?"
"well...i haven't really told you what's going on cause i'm not sure what to do."
i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and i look like i am twelve years old. the night before i had told my brother that i wasn't sure if i should tell dad because i didn't want him to worry. i knew then that i would tell him and as soon as i start to relay the story i start to feel immediately better.
"we're moving you out today." 
he uses that tone of voice that i know i cannot argue with. and i let him be my dad and for the first time in a few weeks i really believe that everything will work out. 

a flagrant misinterpretation

friday night i did not blog
i was too busy arguing with bricks.
while he sat there, eyes glazed and started yelling at me exactly two minutes after he asked me not to get emotional, he started in on a transparent attack sparked by what I assume was his own guilt for just how shitty the situation was.
"you're flagrant misinterpretation..." he never really finished the sentence and what did follow had no logic.
it dawned on me that i was arguing with a wall. 
and after years of experience with that battle and realizing i had never won, i decided to end it with, "okay."
which i think was about all i could say.
i spent the next two days moving out and even though i am now commuting to work, i feel the slightest bit relaxed. 
saying goodbye was bittersweet. in the end, things will work out and i am going to try to leave it as water under the bridge. 
but sometimes the best way to salvage a friendship is to get out of the way.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

a moment

its amazing how one moment can make you see a person in a completely different light and after that moment things can never go back to the old lighting scheme
like a worn out stage, curtains down
we truly are just players on a stage.
some of us are stuck in the same soliloquy 
screaming the same words to empty chairs wondering where the fuck the audience is.
i'm thankful for a new playbill. 
i'm tired of this story.
so many positive things await. if i can just keep the focus ahead, i might just make it without drawing blood.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

last night

left over chili night.
enjoying two of my favorite people in the world.
not enjoying the stomach ache after the chili.
i will miss them so much it already hurts.

finally getting around to it...

sunday was perfect.
hanging out with dad.
he sits back on his mattress on the floor, back against the wall.
a true vision of the eternal bachelor.
"you could marry any one of those cowgirls."
"you think so?"
"they're crazy about you."
he blushes. i know he has his reasons why he has stayed single for the last 16 years. 
he doesn't want to be a daddy to someone else's kids. he's already raised his.
she lived too far.
she had too take care of her elderly mother.
she was a born-again christian.
she just didn't have to say.
but when all is said and done, i think he just enjoys his freedom more than any woman he's ever met.
watching him on the dance floor, i am slightly comforted. these are his companions. 
and as much as i would like to see him with a partner, i like more to see him dancing on fire.
unbridled, unchained, uncaged...
it took him his whole life to get to this place and it is quite a joy to see him enjoying it as much as he does.
keep on dancing.

Monday, March 3, 2008

because i feel like it

its been a while since i've had a good buzz  and it feels fucking fan-ta-stic
the nice thing about not really drinking ever is that when you do you have an insanely low tolerance
cheap, quick, nice feeling
you don't really get drunk because you definitely know better
but a nice buzz can really blow off steam. 
however i don't think it can blow off steam if you do it every night.
then you just wake up every morning a little more agitated than you were the day before.
but every once in awhile...that is what it was made for.
the italians have it all figured out.
sometimes i let my mind go there.
i won't lie.
i have had dreams of an italian orchard in tuscany which is hilarious cause i don't even know what can grown there, i just imagine rust colored trees gently hissing with a wind 
and me under them with a smile on my face
sometimes there's a small son in the picture, sometimes it is just me
but there is always him in the picture
the olive picker
i sigh silently
i can't wait to wake up there every day
in that world
where anything and everything is possible.
i read a sad script this morning.
a woman said to the man, "you're at that age where what you are is what you are gonna be."
he was 27 and i felt, for the first time in the script, an immediate empathy for him.
who says so?
27 is still young.
i start to freak.
is what i am what i will always be?and if so, what the fuck is that?
someone who is still not content with her surroundings? still trying to figure out just what her place in the world is but even more so, trying to understand the importance of discovering that place?
i am frustrated with this keyboard and these thoughts. 
one is faster than the other. all i know is that i am tired of hitting delete.
a friend tells me i could apply to my dream.
"you got that in like 2.5 seconds," and i try to believe her.
somehow, her opinion means more to me than most and her tiny ichat message has pierced me for second.
is it possible that she believes in me more than i know?
i know it shouldn't matter who believes in me, but i also know that i'm a sucker.
it feels nice, for lack of a better word, coming from her.
it feels right.
define self esteem.
my fingers are tired and i realize that i still have not done a blog for sunday...
maybe tomorrow.

Sunday, March 2, 2008


on saturday i woke up outrageously early to drive with my dad and brother up to palm springs to visit my grandmother and her brother and sister in law.
i have always enjoyed being in the company of grandparents.
i always feel wiser even if the conversation isn't anything in particular.
my grandmother has never been one for exercise and has had both knees replaced. it is difficult for her to get around and it set a bit of a sad tone. 
on the other hand, her older brother mike was so full of life.
he walks three miles everyday. he was walking faster than all of us and the guy is at least 80.
i started to see the importance of really taking care of your body. 
i don't want to ever be limited because i didn't pay attention when i should have. 
i feel like i keep putting off a healthy diet and exercise until i have the time to do it. but its about making the time, right?
i started to feel extremely lazy...a little ashamed....but excited by the idea of changing yet another facet of my life.
if i can just get through a few more weeks...