Thursday, February 7, 2008

"music is your special friend..."

" on fire as it intends."
for a solid year in high school, i would come home and play the doors' self-titled debut album.
the year before that was pearl jam's ten.
intercut between these two staples were nirvana's entire catalog, stone temple pilots first three albums, soundgarden's superunknown, rhcp's blood sugar sex magic (thats right, i abbreviated it), and fiona apple's tidal wave.
on my 15th birthday, my little brother gave me alanis morissette's jagged little pill. i remember thinking that i would not like that album and for a good three months i listened to it every single morning.
i had lots of other bands that had brief obsession stints in my adolescent life: courtney love's hole, the cranberries' no need to argue...oh the cranberries. that may have been one of the staples.
i used to credit and i think sometimes still credit eddie vedder with my surviving my teenage years. 
music has always been medicine and today i had a four hour fiona apple session that reminded me of such delight.
after a shitty day at work dealing with the bullshit politics of the office and cattiness reminiscent of a high school locker room, i came home thoroughly depressed. angry, frustrated, wanting to get out of my situation but torn by my internal moral conflict of wanting to do the right thing. 
sometimes i think that maybe i don't really know what the right thing is. but i suppose that is very endemic of being in your 20's...hopefully that will grow up with the rest of me. 
music has always cured my ailment. 
even if sometimes it is temporary, having one of those four-hour, sing-your-heart-out sessions always seems to smack me in the face and then offer me a hand off the ground. 
i have only truly been disappointed by one album -and when i say disappointed i mean truly unbearable- crash test dummies' god shuffled his feet. 
i was young. 
and this was before you could sample an album at blockbuster music or hit up the internet.
i was twelve and i became obsessed with mmm mmm mmm mmm.
after a particularly great soccer tournament my dad offered to buy me a cd for being a team leader. 
i chose that one.
i have kept every cd i've ever owned...except for that one.
somewhere i have an swv (you guessed it, sisters with voices) cd floating around along with arrested development's 3 years, 5 months and 2 days in the life of...
even when everyone got into trading and selling old cds, i never could bring myself to do it.
no matter how tired an album had gotten (jagged little pill), or how scratched up (nine inch nails' the downward spiral) an oldie had become, these jewels at one point saved me from the never ending pit of teenage despair.
and even though i'm in what is starting to become my mid to late 20s, the first three pages of my cd notebook is still and will forever be pearl jam. 
i will still flip and see that old doors album that i have not listened to in probably ten years, but all i need to do is look at it and the music is there, jim morrison screaming in my head, eddie vedder scratching his throat in my ears, fiona apple soothing my nerves with her bittersweet love songs.
all one beautiful fucking lullaby.

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