Wednesday, February 13, 2008

marty mcfly

its amazing how one moment, one slight look or gesture or word can unleash a rage that is buried deep inside you.
what comes out is nothing short of shameful and in the end, makes us weaker.
i am no george mcfly. if you try to push, i'm going to slingshot back.
but at what cost?
define humility.
me and marty mcfly hand in hand with our tragic flaw, our raw nerve, our achilles heel, our...."chicken"
he makes a gesture and i feel the shift inside me
i feel myself move back on my heels and i see myself lunge
and out it comes 
like a forest fire burning every shred of dignity in its path
i can hear myself, "reel it in, girl."
but all that follows in a slew of pent up frustration neatly dressed in profanities and hypocrisy
i spit back the same disrespect that sparked me in the first place and now i am no better than the very thing i pushed back on.
i am shaking.
i search for validation in the madness and i know that i am wrong
nothing warrants that.
i apologize.
i am embarrassed.
i am disgraced.
define humility.
i pick up my boots and i keep on walking knowing that the only way i will salvage the growth i have achieved in this last year is by humbling myself immediately when i know i have gone backwards.
rewind revise,
rewind, revise.

2 comments:

carmen said...

a man threatened to hit me on the subway the other day and it inspired such an anger and violence within me that i actually wanted him to do it. I wanted him to make that first push and make it that much easier for myself to completely lose and hit him back. i was aware that i was thinking in the worng direction. and indeed there are times when i encounter such people and want to just shower them with love and completely disarm them. but it's interesting to notice when and how the rage comes. why?

sara said...

i actually once said about my arch enemy, "i INVITE him to punch me in the face."

and i meant it.